TIM ALLEN ON "THE LATE SHOW"
Show: The Late Show
Host: David Letterman
Air date: September 7th, 1995
Dave: On the program tonight: Tim Allen, ladies and gentlemen. You don't get any bigger or more successful or more popular than Tim Allen. That guy's a monster. That guy's like a monster of show business.
Paul Schaeffer: Ow.
Segment removed.
Dave: Our first guest has become one of Hollywood's biggest stars. Beginning September 11th, you'll be able to see his blockbuster series, "Home Improvement" nightly. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, the very wealthy: Tim Allen.
Tim enters while the audience cheers. Tim and Dave shake hands. They sit down, and Tim makes a salute to the audience.
Dave: Yes, sir. Hey, hey.
Tim: Thank you.
Dave: Tim Allen, ladies and gentlemen.
The audience still cheers. Tim gets up and salutes them.
Dave: Take a lap.
Tim moves his arms like he's running.
Dave: Welcome back to the Late show, Tim. Nice to see you. Have you had a nice summer? Did you do anything fun, travel, any of that?
Tim: Well, yeah. I gotta say first, just because I admire the show so much. Although it was a little odd today. I was watching this. You got a very strange show. You really...
Dave: Well, thanks I...
Tim: Leave the Heisman trophy... (A joke in today's Top Ten.)
Dave laughs.
Tim: That was a very funny line. I will announce tonight that... because blushing<?> from Disney's purchase of ABC, I'm actually here on a fact-finding mission. And I wanna announce tonight that we made a bet, and Disney just bought New York City.
Dave: Wow. How about that?
The audience cheers a little.
Tim: Whoa, that one didn't go too well, didn't it?
Dave laughs.
Tim: They didn't want the Mets. If I threw that one in there?
Dave: Yeah, try that one.
Tim: No, actually we had a good summer. We went to Greece.
Dave: Greece? You and your family? You and your wife?
Tim: My family, we took ten friends and rented a little boat.
Dave: Really, ten people? You went on a cruise through the Mediterranean?
Tim: Yes, so we went to Greece, the land of fraternities, evidently. You go to Athens, and it's all delta... something like this. The best I could come up with, was when the translation was roughly, "I soiled my trousers. Can I rinse them in your lobster water?" So we left that restaurant quite quickly. We ended up going... We went to Florence, which is where they...
Dave: Oh my God, what a beautiful city... That is where the statue of David is.
Tim: Oh, yes. That was very nice.
Dave: Michelangelo's statue of David.
Tim: Oh was that it? That was it. Very nice statue. Is that what it was?
Dave: Yeah.
Tim: They have, shopping was why we went there.
Dave: Shopping? Leather goods...
Tim: Leather? That's it. See, I went to see the Ferrari factory of modent<?> and I promised my wife to go to Florence...
Dave: How was the factory? That must have been a kick, huh?
Tim: It's basically a FIAT, that's what it is. I was a little depressed. You don't wanna see Ferraris being made. I expected, you know, guys hammering... Voice of a electric hammer. Tim now shouts: "Coffee! Come on."
Dave laughs.
Tim: It's a FIAT, with a very nice motor. It's just unfortunate...
Dave: Yeah...
Tim: I didn't wanna leave there... I left there going, "I don't think..." I didn't want one of these... It seemed like a good idea, but... So anyway, Florence. There's streets of purses. I doesn't sound like it's a big deal. But my wife eyes actually left the sockets. All brown purses, every store in the block. She's trying on purses for three hours, just sitting in that little stool.
Dave: Yeah. Trying them on?
Tim: Oh yeah, women. She sits, and spends 3 grand on a purse at the size of <?> skinny cherry. It carries itself, there is no purpose for it. Men don't shop for wallets. We don't do that. I got the same...
Dave: Now you get wallets in a gift for birthdays and Christmas? In my house at home... My house at home, that is where my house...
Tim: Would be. A funny man.
Dave: As opposed to my house where strangers live. I got a drawer full of wallets that people kindly enough over the years have given me, and I still haven't worn out my first one.
Tim: So that's your story?
Dave: That's not exactly my first wallet... Well, it's no Disney buying New York, but I'm trying.
They both laugh. Audience cheers.
Tim: I still have my first wallet.
Dave: You still have your first wallet?
Tim: First wallet. I still got the same American Indian in there that I got at YMCA camp.
Dave: Yeah, it's a nice treasure to hang on to.
Tim: Yes it is.
Dave: Now, when we come back, I have ehh.. one thing that I wanna talk to you about, because you now are making tools and selling tools.
Tim: Ehh... I'm hawking<?> everything now...
Dave: That's all right. Don't be ashamed of this.
Tim: I am ashamed...
Dave: That's the American way, free trade society.
Tim: I'm a walking infomercial.
Dave: No, no. But you're making a hammer now, and people can buy a hammer?
Tim: Yes they can.
Dave: All right, I wanna talk about this hammer.
Tim: Gosh, darn it. Let's do it.
Dave: All right, exactly. We'll do that when we come back here with Tim Allen, ladies and gentlemen.
Commercial break.
Dave: Okay, Tim Allen is here.
Segment removed.
Dave: Oh, this is the one I wanted to talk to you about. I noticed... It was called to my attention this afternoon, came across my desk. This lovely item here.
Dave shows a hammer with note with Tim's name on it.
Dave: It's a beautiful hammer. And it looks like it is on, like, a hatchet handle.
Tim: Well, actually it took... Legitimately it took like 18 months to get the right product.
Dave: Oh it did not. No it didn't.
Tim: Nah, I just did it yesterday.
Dave: You made this? You designed this?
Tim: In my home. In my spare time. No, there's a hard-hammer company out in California. I wanted legitimately to get a hammer, but it was... I was trying to follow this Paul Newman thing where you do it for charity, and it's...
Dave: You're selling hammers for charity?
Tim: Well, it's... I'm just... I'm getting so sick of myself.
Dave: I mean, is that the item people are gonna wanna buy?
Tim: I just do things... I don't think about it.
Dave: It looks lovely. It looks like you got, like, a chrome-plated...
Tim: This is nickel-plated. It is 20 microns of nickel on that son-of-a-bitch.
Dave takes out a ordinary hammer.
Dave: Now here's a standard hammer. Now explain for the folks that are not familiar with hammers... "What the hell are they holding up there now?" Ehh... The differences. They're not so subtle, are they? Especially in the handle.
Tim: No, I put an ax handle because it's easier to grip, and nickel-plated top. And it's a solid carbon-steel up here. And of course, it has my name all over it.
Dave: What's this item (Tim's hammer) go for here?
Tim: That's about 750 dollars. But we figure... A portion of those proceeds go right to your <?> local charity.
Dave: Yeah, and this (the ordinary hammer) is about a 2 1/2 dollar item?
Tim: Yeah, but you don't... Why'd you buy that?
Dave: Now let's see... Now is this one any better, really than...
Tim: Like he's annoyed Yes Dave! It's a lot better!
Dave: In what sense?
Tim: It's a little thing here, says here what it's all about. Shows Dave the label Much better.
Dave: All right. Picks up some wood and places it on the desk.
Tim: Ohh, jeez.
Dave: What do you say we do some pounding?
Audience cheers. Tim gets ready by stretching his arms.
Dave: I'll use the standard, traditional, old-fashioned hammer, all right? You hammer with your brand new space-age hammer. This is the hammer astronauts have been using for years, ladies and gentlemen, on your shuttle missions, right there. All right, here we go.
Tim: All right, hold on.
Dave: Are you ready?
Tim pounds on Dave's nail to annoy him.
Dave: Hey.
They start hammering and Dave finishes about two seconds before Tim. The audience cheers.
Tim: No, no.
Dave: Right there. I'm done, I'm way ahead of you, buddy. Look at that.
Tim: No, no. Somebody...
Dave: I'm relaxing out back with a beer now. You're still building the deck.
Tim: Someone's made some modifications on this (his hammer)... Someone has wrecked the balance in this thing. That's the problem here.
Dave: Aha?
Tim: Yeah, this isn't mine.
Dave: Tim? Tell us about the new film, one of those Disney animated deals that make 200 billion dollars, you and Tom Hanks.
Tim: Yes. Tom and I... Academy Award winner, I work with Tom.
Dave: Two time...
Tim: Yeah, two time Academy...
Dave: He's not selling hammers.
Tim: No, he's not.
Audience cheers.
Dave: Anyone would like this (that thing of wood they just hammered nails in) for their home or patio. It's just a lovely item, there. Anyway, the film opens soon.
Tim: It opens Thanksgiving. It's called "Toy Story".
Dave: Good to see you, Tim. Thanks you for everything.
Tim: Thanks.
Dave: Ladies and gentlemen: Tim Allen. Mr. Television. We'll be right back.
Segments transcribed by Jan Nielsen.
