| Episode begins at the "Tool Time" studio. Tim and
Al are standing behind the workbench. There are some gardening tools laid out
on it. |
|---|
| | |
| Tim: | And these are some of the best ways to give
your gardening tools a good spring tune-up. [Tim picks up a spraycan and throws
it to Al. Al catches it] Right Al? |
| Al: | That's right. But before we go, we'd like to
make an announcement I'm sure you all have been waiting for. |
| Tim: | Al is a woman trapped in a man's
body. |
| Al: | No, I'm sure our audience knows that's not
true. |
| Tim: | I'm just kidding, Al. We've invited our
viewers to vote for their all-time favorite guest here on "Tool Time," and
today we'll announce the winner. |
| Al: | That's right. [Tims walks over to his chair and
sits down] You were able to go down to your local hardware store and pick up a
ballot that listed every single guest we've ever had on "Tool Time." Although,
Bob Vila was left off that list. |
| Tim: | Computer error, Al. Anyway, our three
finalists are George Foreman, Mario and Michael Andretti, and Dwayne from the
K&B Construction Company. [Lisa enters with the "male bag"] From our ever
writing audience, we've had thousands of viewers write in. Lisa, what's the
final count? |
| Lisa: | 112 postcards, Tim. |
| Tim: | Thank you, Lisa. And the winner for the most
popular guest here on "Tool Time" is: [Lisa takes an envelope out of the bag
and hands it to Al. Al hands it to Tim] -- I've got goose bumps, I really do --
[Tim opens the envelope and looks at the card] What? No! [Tim looks at Al. Al
smiles. Tim puts the card back in the envelope] Mario and Michael Andretti!
[The audience cheers and applauds] |
| Al: | Ah-ah-ah-er Tim. That's not what, that's not
what, [Al tries to take the envelope from Tim, but he moves it out of Al's
reach] that's not what it says. |
| Tim: | Yes it does. |
| Al: | No it, no it doesn't. |
| Tim: | Yes it does. |
| Al: | Does not. |
| Tim: | Does too. [Al snatches the envelope from Tim
and takes out the card. Al reads and card and shows it to the
audience] |
| Al: | Bob Vila. [Lisa applauds and the audience joins
in. Tim stands up] |
| Tim: | It can't, it can't be, it can not be Bob Vila.
It can't be Bob Vila; I erased his name-- [Tim suddenly turns to the audience]
Computer error took his name off that list. |
| Al: | Well, maybe the viewers did what I did and wrote
his name in. [Al shows the card saying "Bob Vila" to the camera] |
| Lisa: | That's what I did, |
| Tim: | Write-ins weren't allowed, Lisa. |
| Lisa: | Al told me I could. |
| Tim: | He did, did he? |
| Al: | Yes I did. [Tim walks away, defeated] So, er,
please join us next time when we'll meet our winning guest, Bob Vila. [Tim puts
his jacket on] So popular that even though he was deliberately left off the
ballot, won with a write-in campaign. [Tim stands behind Al and Lisa] |
| Tim: | So join us next time on "Tool Time" when Bob
and Al discuss how to remove crusty food from their beards. See you next time
on "Tool Time." [The "Tool Time" theme music plays. Tim, Al and Lisa leave the
set] |
| | |
| [Opening credits] |
|---|
| | |
| Cut to the kitchen, a few days later. |
|---|
| [Jill is sitting at the table, reading a leaflet. Karen comes
over to her and sits down] |
| | |
| Karen: | Jill, this is unbelievable. I've never won
anything before. A day of beauty for two at Adriana's. |
| Jill: | It is so great that it is for two. Can you
imagine a whole day of being pampered? |
| Karen: | What? Tim doesn't pamper you? |
| Jill: | [Laughing] Yeah, right. Tim's idea of
pampering me is to wear his pants to breakfast. [Karen laughs. The oven timer
pings. Jill gets up to take the food out. Brad and Randy creep past the window,
carrying gardening tools. Karen sees them and goes over to Jill] |
| Karen: | Er, Jill, are Brad and Randy planning to do
some gardening? [Jill looks towards the backyard] |
| Jill: | Hey! Hey guys! [Jill goes over to the back
door and opens it] Where are you going with that shovel and that
rake? |
| Randy: | Uh, nowhere. |
| Jill: | Don't go near the cemetary
again. |
| Karen: | Cemetary? |
| Jill: | Yeah. Last week they dug a hole near the
cemetary wall and told Mark that one of the bodies escaped! [Karen looks at the
boys] |
| Randy: | We're just going down to the creek to build
a dam. |
| Brad: | Yeah. |
| Jill: | Forget the dam, beaver boy. Lose the shovel,
lose the rake. [Jill takes the tools from them] |
| Brad: | Aw man. |
| Jill: | Now listen, if you guys get back before Karen
and I do, go to Wilson's. Mark's gonna be over at Billy's. [Tim enters,
carrying his jacket] |
| Karen: | Morning Tim. [Brad and Randy leave. Jill
puts the shovel and rake in the garage] |
| Tim: | Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. |
| Karen: | Aw, it's nice to see that Tim is his usual
charming, bubbling self. [Tim hangs up his jacket] |
| Jill: | Oh, ignore him. He's always in a snit when
Bob Vila's on the show. |
| Karen: | Isn't he the guy that has that national
tool show that Tim ripped off? |
| Tim: | Don't start Karen, please. All I've heard all
week long is "Bob Vila this," "Bob Vila that." What does Bob Vila have that I
don't have? |
| Karen: | High ratings. |
| Jill: | Fans. |
| Karen: | Big salary. |
| Tim: | Are you through? |
| Jill: | Aw pookie, we were just kidding. [Jill rubs
Tim's back] Remember, you have something to be proud of that Bob Vila does not
have. |
| Tim: | Oh yeah, what? |
| Jill: | Al. [Jill and Karen sit down at the table
with coffee and cakes] |
| Tim: | Normally I would have seen that coming; I'm
very vulnerable right now. [Jill laughs. Tim makes himself a coffee] |
| Karen: | [Picking up the Adriana's leaflet] Tim,
you're so tense. Maybe you should come and pamper yourself at
Adriana's. |
| Jill: | Yeah, yeah. They have, um, manicures and
pedicures for men. |
| Tim: | Let me tell you two gals something: men don't
let other people touch their feet. A real man clips his own toenails and flicks
them at his wife's hair! [Tim takes his coffe and jacket into the
garage] |
| | |
| Cut to the "Tool Time" studio, later that
day. |
|---|
| [Lisa is announcing the show] |
| | |
| Lisa: | Does everbody know what time it is? |
| Audience: | "Tool Time!" |
| Lisa: | That's right. Binford Tools is proud to
present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. [The "Tool Time" theme music plays. Tim and
Al enter the set] |
| Tim: | Thank you Lisa. Welcome to "Tool Time." [Tim
takes off his jacket] I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, you all know my
assistant Al. [Tim hands Al his jacket. Al salutes] |
| Al: | Well Tim, [Tim gets his toolbelt and puts it
on] this is the big day. [Al hangs up Tim's jacket] |
| Tim: | It sure is. We get to that sub-floor,
oooh. |
| Al: | Oh, I don't think that's why the audience is
watching today. I'm sure that, like me, they're all excited about seeing our
favorite guest contest winner. [Tim gets out the plans for the
sub-floor] |
| Tim: | Hm. Aren't we all Al, aren't we all. Now, the
sub-floor will start-- |
| Al: | --Tim. Why don't we introduce our favorite
guest. |
| Tim: | Why not. Our favorite guest is someone a few
of you may know-- |
| Al: | --I think we all know Bob and love
him. |
| Tim: | Are we gonna have to hose you down
Al? |
| Al: | Let me introduce the pater familiose of home
repair, Mr. Bob Vila! [Lisa escorts Bob onto the set] |
| Bob: | Thank you. Thank you for such a warm
welcome. |
| Lisa: | Oh, Mr. Vila, I just want you to know I'm one
of your biggest fans. In my opinion, you've completely redefined television
home repair. |
| Tim: | Lisa. |
| Lisa: | [Lisa looks around] Right. [Lisa
leaves] |
| Tim: | Good to have you here again, Bob. [Tim shakes
Bob's hand] |
| Bob: | Thanks. |
| Al: | That goes double for me. [Al shakes Bob's
hand] |
| Bob: | Thanks Al. It's always good to see you. [Bob
and Al slap each other's shoulders] I was so thrilled to find out I was picked
your favorite guest. |
| Tim: | Well I encouraged a lot of people to vote for
you. [Al looks away] Bob, why don't you take a seat right here. [Tim brings
over a stool] |
| Bob: | O.K. |
| Tim: | Now a lot of people think there's a big
rivalry between Bob and I, but actually there's a lot of mutual respect between
us, right Bob? [Al brings over another stool] |
| Bob: | [Bob slaps Tim's shoulder] Absolutely Jim.
[Bob sits on a stool and Tim sits in his chair] |
| Tim: | It's Tim. |
| Bob: | [Laughs] I was just pulling your leg, buddy.
Just kidding. [Al cracks up, laughing] |
| Al: | I, I, I, I don't know if we can have Bob on the
show anymore. [Al sits on the other stool] My, my sides are about to
split. |
| Bob: | Al, you've got a wonderful sense of
humor. |
| Tim: | Doesn't he though. |
| Al: | Well y'know, Bob is also here to promote one of
my favorite charities. |
| Tim: | The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
Flannel. |
| Bob: | Actually Tim, I'm supporting the Metropolitan
Detroit Children's Fund. |
| Tim: | I'm just pulling your leg, actually. It's a
wonderful charity and I bet they're excited that you're their chairperson. I
understand that you're working on a lawnmower race? |
| Bob: | That's right. And I'm having a tough time
getting some competition. |
| Al: | Oh, well you know Bob, Tim has a, uh, a very
powerful lawnmower. |
| Tim: | Yeah. I tweaked out my lawnmower at home and
dumped a big motor in it, ah! |
| Bob: | Mine isn't home-made. Um, I actually had mine
designed and built by professionals. |
| Tim: | Yeah? Well I, er, [Tim stands up] I dumped a
300 cc Harley with a special cam in it. |
| [Bob is about to say something but Al speaks
instead] |
| Al: | [Al stands up] That sounds like the junior
model. Bob here put in a 410. |
| Tim: | Good for Bob. |
| Al: | Bad for you. |
| Tim: | Huh. [Bob stands up] |
| Bob: | Yeah, and I've got an elongated throttle. I've
actually been clocked at 42 miles per hour. |
| Tim & Al: | 42? [Bob nods] |
| Tim: | You have a lawnmower that goes 42? |
| Bob: | Yeah. |
| Al: | Well Bob, I think it's time to kick some
grass! |
| Bob: | What d'you say? You up to the
challenge? |
| Tim: | To, I, y'know, yeah, why not. Sure. I'll race you.
[Bob and Tim shake hands. Al applauds] |
| Bob: | Great. |
| Tim: | Sure, that'll be great, a lot of fun. [The
audience applauds] And it's for charity. |
| Al: | Yeah. Well Tim, I just hope you're not a poor
loser. [Bob and Al look at Tim] |
| Tim: | Al, I think the audience knows just what kind
of loser I am. |
| Al: | Experienced. |
| | |
| Cut to the garage, later that day. |
|---|
| [Tim is pulling the dust sheet on his lawnmower] |
| | |
| Jill: | [From the kitchen] Tim! |
| Tim: | Yeah! out here! |
| Jill: | [From the kitchen] Timmy! [Tim runs into the
kitchen] |
| Cut to the kitchen. |
|---|
| [Jill and Karen present themselves, having come back from the
beauty salon] |
| Tim: | I thought you guys were going to that
spa? |
| Jill: | [Laughing] We've been there six
hours. |
| Tim: | You look fabulous. |
| Jill: | Thank you. |
| Tim: | Come out to the garage, here. I wanna show you
something. Time for the unveiling. C'mon. |
| Cut to the garage. |
|---|
| [Tim enters, followed by Jill and Karen] |
| Jill: | Unveiling of what? What are you up to
now? |
| Tim: | Prepare to be amazed girls. [Tim removes the
dust sheet from the lawnmower to reveal a huge engine] |
| Jill: | I'm amazed. |
| Tim: | You like it? |
| Jill: | Like it? I hate it. |
| Karen: | What is it? |
| Tim: | What is it? It's a riding lawnmower with a jet
engine off a Chinook helicopter! [Jill's jaw drops] |
| Jill: | Are you out of your mind? You put a jet
engine on a lawnmower? |
| Tim: | No! But thanks for thinking I could. I
borrowed this. It's on loan from the US Lawnmower Racing Association. |
| Karen: | Why would anyone do this? |
| Tim: | Think about it. You've got riding lawnmower,
you've got jet engine. Sooner or later somebody was gonna put them
together. |
| Jill: | Tell me you're not gonna race this
thing. |
| Tim: | Technically it won't be a race. It's just an
exhibition with, um, Bob Vila. |
| Jill: | I should have known. Whenever Bob Vila's on
the show, you turn everything into a competition. |
| Tim: | Jill, this is for charity. |
| Jill: | No it's not! It's to compete. |
| Tim: | Honey, this is no competition. This is gonna
be a slaughter! [Tim climbs onto the lawnmower] I'll be at the finish line and
Bob Vila will be back there at the starting post picking mulch out of his
beard. See ya Bobby! |
| Karen: | How fast does this thing go? |
| Tim: | Right now, this gearing, about 62. But if I
re-gear it, 94 I'll get out of it. |
| Jill: | And after they pry you out of this with a
crowbar, I'll turn to the crowd and say, "He was a nice man, a good man, but
not a bright man." [Jill and Karen go into the kitchen] |
| Tim: | Honey, this'll mow a football field in 11
seconds! |
| | |
| Cut to the backyard, later that day. |
|---|
| [Mark is playing. Brad and Randy enter] |
| | |
| Mark: | Hi guys. Where'd you go? [Brad is carrying a
metal bucket] |
| Brad: | We went down to the creek and caught some
tadpoles. |
| Mark: | Why didn't you come and get me? |
| Brad: | Y'know, we looked all over and we couldn't
find you. [Brad puts the bucket down on a table] |
| Mark: | I was in my room. |
| Randy: | Boy Brad, the one place we didn't look.
[Randy sits on a box] |
| Brad: | Yeah. [Brad sits down on a chair] |
| Mark: | Why don't you take me anywhere with you
guys? |
| Brad: | That's because you always rat on
us. |
| Mark: | Promise I won't rat on you again. |
| Randy: | Oh really? Hey Brad, maybe we should make
him take "the test." |
| Brad: | Yeah, "the test." |
| Mark: | What test? |
| Randy: | The tadpole secrecy test. |
| Mark: | What's that? |
| Brad: | You have to put a live tadpole in your
mouth. |
| Mark: | Oogh, no way! |
| Randy: | O.K., fine. But then you don't get to come
to the creek with us and build a raft. See ya. [Randy gets up and walks off.
Brad follows him with the bucket] |
| Mark: | Wait. [Brad and Randy stop] How long do I
have to hold it in my mouth? |
| Randy: | [Randy shrugs] Three seconds. |
| Mark: | Three whole seconds! |
| Brad: | I told you he'd be a chicken. |
| Mark: | I'm not chicken! [Pause] I'll do it. [Brad
and Randy come back over to Mark, with big grins on their faces] |
| Randy: | [Randy puts his arm round Mark's shoulders]
Buddy, come here. Now, close your eyes, open your mouth. [Mark does. Randy
reaches into the bucket] Ooo, a slimy one. |
| Brad: | You'd better watch out, he's really
wriggly. |
| Randy: | Here he comes, closer, closer. [Randy sticks
the tadpole on Mark's tongue. Mark screws up his face in disgust] |
| Brad: | One thousand one, one thousand two, one
thousand three! [Mark opens his eyes] |
| Randy: | O.K., you did it. [Randy slaps Mark on the
back. Mark swallows!] |
| | |
| [Commercial break] |
|---|
| | |
| Cut to the backyard. |
|---|
| [Mark is coughing] |
| | |
| Brad: | Mark, you weren't supposed to swallow
the tadpole. |
| Mark: | What's gonna happen? |
| Randy: | Well, it's gonna swim around inside you and
grow into a frog! |
| Brad: | Yeah. [Brad puts his ear to Mark's stomach]
Ribbit, ribbit. [Mark grabs Brad in a headlock] |
| Mark: | Shut up Brad. [Mark runs to the
door] |
| Randy: | Hey Mark, I wouldn't drink any water. It
might make it grow faster. |
| Mark: | I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad on you. |
| Brad: | Oh yeah, like Mom and Dad are gonna believe
that we made you eat a tadpole. [Mark goes inside] |
| Randy: | Brad. I wouldn't use that
argument. |
| Mark: | [From inside] Mom! [Brad and Randy run
off] |
| | |
| Cut to the living room. |
|---|
| [Mark looks around] |
| | |
| Mark: | Mom! Mom! [Jill and Karen enter] |
| Jill: | What is it? What is it? What's the
matter? |
| Mark: | Brad and Randy made me eat a
tadpole! |
| Jill: | A what? |
| Mark: | A tadpole! |
| Jill: | Where are they? |
| Mark: | They ran away. |
| Jill: | Well Mark, you're, you're gonna be
fine. |
| Karen: | I'll get you a glass of water. |
| Mark: | No! No water! |
| Karen: | O.K. |
| Mark: | It's turning into a frog. |
| Jill: | No, it isn't honey. [Jill comforts Mark] This
thing can't possibly survive inside your stomach. Look, you're just gonna
digest it like a piece of fruit. |
| Mark: | Are you sure? |
| Jill: | I'm positive. You're just gonna poop that
thing right out. Now, just go outside and play. Listen, eating a tadpole's no
big deal. [Mark goes outside] Argh, gross, that is so gross! Can you imagine
having that slimy thing swimming around inside your stomach? |
| Karen: | I know, it's yuck. [Tim enters from the
garage] |
| Jill: | I can't believe that they did that. |
| Karen: | Oh it's so gross. |
| Tim: | What happened? |
| Jill: | Brad and Randy made Mark eat a tadpole. [Tim
gets a drink out of the fridge and bursts out laughing] This is not funny. It's
a terrible thing to do. |
| Tim: | Oh c'mon. They're boys. What's the big deal?
When I, when I was little, I made one of my brothers eat spagetti, it had an
earth worm in it. |
| Jill: | Oh Tim, please. |
| Tim: | Steve didn't even know it was in there until
one of the noodles tried to crawl back out! |
| Jill & Karen: | Ughhh! |
| Tim: | It was great! Oh, he paid me back. He made me
eat my mashed potatoes with a big cockroach in there. |
| Jill & Karen: | Ooooo! Tim! |
| Tim: | Oh quit ooo-ing. They're good, they're
crunchy. They're not bad. |
| | |
| Cut to the kitchen, later that day. |
|---|
| [Jill is cooking. Tim enters from the garage] |
| | |
| Tim: | What's that smell? |
| Jill: | It's, er, clam chowder, mushrooms, raisins,
and little bits of liver. |
| Tim: | Urgh. |
| Jill: | I want Brad and Randy to think it's tadpole
soup. |
| Tim: | That's disgusting! I love it. |
| Jill: | I'm just goin' with the flow. Go and tell
them that the soup is on. [Jill laughs manically] |
| | |
| Cut to the backyard. |
|---|
| [Tim enters] |
| | |
| Tim: | Brad! Randy! Hussle up, dinner time! |
| Wilson: | Hi ho neighbor. [Wilson is pruning the ivy
growing on his house] |
| Tim: | Hi there Wilson. You missed a snip. |
| Wilson: | Hmm-hm |
| Tim: | I bet you can't guess what I've got in my
garage. |
| Wilson: | Well, just off the top of my head, I'd say
a small riding lawnmower with a jet engine attached. |
| Tim: | [Grunts] Uh? |
| Wilson: | Mark told me. |
| Tim: | Think about it Wilson. I'll be driving the
fastest riding lawnmower on Earth. |
| Wilson: | A-ha, a-ha-ha-ha. |
| Tim: | I'm gonna be a lawnmowing legend. [Grunts]
Oh-oh-oh. |
| Wilson: | Well Tim, it sounds to me like you're
dealing with hubris. |
| Tim: | Hubris? What's that in English? |
| Wilson: | It is English. It means "excessive
pride." |
| Tim: | [Grunting] Oh yeah, I got that.
Ogh-ogh-ogh. |
| Wilson: | Not necessarily a good thing. |
| Tim: | [Grunting] I don't have that, I don't want it,
I don't. I'm just in this, er, lawnmowing competition with Bob Vila. |
| Wilson: | Hmm. Nothing like the rousing spirit of
competition. |
| Tim: | Yeah. Jill and Karen think it's a stupid
idea. |
| Wilson: | Well Tim, competition can be a very healthy
thing. |
| Tim: | That's what I think. I think competition
inspires men; challenges us to build the biggest building, the fastest missile,
the most absorbent bathroom tissue, [Grunting] oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. |
| Wilson: | Competition brings out the best in
product. |
| Tim: | You're darn right. |
| Wilson: | But sometimes, the worst in men. |
| Tim: | [Grunting] Uh-uh-uh? [Brad and Randy enter the
backyard] Hey guys, I was just looking for you. [They walk over to
Tim] |
| Brad: | Hey Dad. We're really sorry. |
| Tim: | Sorry about what? [Randy looks at
Brad] |
| Brad: | Didn't you talk to Mark? |
| Tim: | No. |
| Randy: | Oh. Then we're sorry we're late for
dinner. |
| Brad: | Yeah. |
| Tim: | Alright, you're mom's got it ready for you.
Take those muddy shoes off before you get in the house. |
| Brad: | Alright. [Brad and Randy go inside] |
| Wilson: | Tim, will the boys be in trouble? |
| Tim: | Big trouble. They made Mark eat a tadpole so
Jill's making them think they're having tadpole soup! [Tim screws his face up
at the thought of it] |
| Wilson: | Hmm, hmm. Well, if you want to try the real
thing, why don't you come over to my house on Saturday night? |
| | |
| Cut to the kitchen. |
|---|
| [Jill is stirring the soup, with the metal bucket on the
counter next to her. Brad and Randy enter] |
| | |
| Jill: | Well hello Brad and Randy. |
| Brad: | Hi Mom. Where's Mark? |
| Jill: | Oh, he's upstairs playing, hmm. |
| Randy: | Is he O.K? |
| Jill: | Yeah, he's fine. Why d'you ask? |
| Randy: | No reason. Just because we love
him. |
| Jill: | Hope you're hungry. |
| Brad: | Oh yeah! |
| Randy: | Yeah. |
| Jill: | Oh, guess I'm done with this now. [Jill moves
the bucket out of the way] |
| Randy: | That had our tadpoles in it. |
| Jill: | Not anymore. Soup anyone? [Mark comes running
in] |
| Mark: | Hi guys. |
| Brad: | Um. |
| Mark: | Mom. |
| Brad: | Is Mark eating this? |
| Mark: | No. That's just for you. I'm having
ice cream. |
| Jill: | Oh sweetie, it's right over there. [Jill
points to the counter. Mark goes over to the counter. Tim enters from the
backyard] Well hi. I've got the soup for the boys all ready. You want
some? |
| Tim: | Well what's in it? |
| Jill: | Oh, a tad of this, a tad of that. [Jill
carries the soup over to the counter. Brad and Randy follow her] |
| Tim: | Sounds a tad too rich for me. |
| Randy: | Oh I get it. You want us to think the
tadpoles are in the soup. [Jill serves out the soup. Brad and Randy sit down at
the counter] |
| Tim: | Now why would your mother do something like
that? C'mon, dig in. |
| Brad: | C'mon Randy. This is just a big
bluff. |
| Randy: | Yeah. |
| Tim: | C'mon boys. Hop to it. [Brad and Randy taste
some of the soup] |
| Brad: | Y'know it does taste kind of weird. |
| Randy: | Yeah, but there's no way it's
tadpoles. |
| Jill: | Oh, I guess I can't fool you guys. [Jill
looks in the pot] Ooo, well, what is this? [Jill takes a rubber frog out of the
pot] |
| Brad & Randy: | Aaaahhhhh! |
| Brad: | Aaahhh! |
| Tim: | Yeah! [Tim and Mark slap hands] |
| Jill: | It's just a rubber frog. How did that feel?
Next time you feel like pulling something, maybe you'll remember that I see
all, hear all, and know all that goes on in this house. Do you
understand? |
| Brad & Randy: | We're sorry. |
| Jill: | O.K. Now I'll fix you real dinner. [Jill
takes the soup away] |
| Tim: | Honey please, I, I think you've punished them
enough. |
| | |
| Cut to the race track, the day of the lawnmower
race. |
|---|
| [Tim is getting ready for the race] |
| | |
| Stage Manager: | Here we go everbody. Stand by. In 5,
4, 3, 2. |
| [The "Tool Time" theme music plays. The audience, sitting in
a stand, applauds. Tim is wearing a crash helmet. Bob and Al are standing next
to him] |
| Tim: | Hi. Welcome to this special edition of "Tool
Time." I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. You know my assistant Al. [Al salutes]
We're here at beautiful Memorial Park, ready for the big race with Bob Vila.
I've got this little helmetcam so you'll see exactly what I see. O.K. Bob, [Cut
to the helmetcam and a close up of Bob's face] who d'you think is gonna win the
race, huh? |
| Bob: | It's for charity Tim. The real winners are the
children. [Cut back to the normal camera] |
| Tim: | Of course they are Bob. The winners are the
kids. In second place, me. In a distant third, ha ha, Bob. Oh boy. [Cut to the
helmetcam and a close up of Al's face] |
| Al: | What are you doing Tim? |
| Tim: | Trying to show the folks at home if there's
any critters crawling around in your beard. [Cut back to the normal
camera] |
| Al: | Well, I think we're about ready to go.
Gentlemen, if you'll take your places. [Bob puts on his crash helmet, and he
and Tim go over to their lawnmowers] |
| Tim: | O.K. [Tim puts on his sunglasses. The audience
cheers them on. Tim's lawnmower is covered with a sheet] |
| Al: | Good luck Tim. |
| Tim: | Thank you Al. |
| Al: | Bob, good luck. |
| Bob: | Thank you Al. [Tim removes the sheet from his
lawnmower] What is that? |
| Tim: | It's just a little old engine, Bob. [Tim and
Bob sit on their lawnmowers. Bob puts on his sunglasses] |
| Lisa: | [From on top of a high chair, through a
megaphone] Gentlemen, start your engines. |
| [Tim buckles himself in and starts his jet engine. Bob starts
his mower. Al runs out of the way] |
| Lisa: | Ready. 1, 2, 3. [Lisa drops the green flag
and Tim and Bob drive off] |
| [The audience cheers Tim and Bob on. Bob is slightly in
front] |
| Tim: | Nice going Bob. |
| Bob: | Thanks Tim. |
| Tim: | I'd love to stop and chat but I've gotta run.
[Tim lets out the throttle on his lawnmower. The lawnmower shoots off on its
rear wheels, hitting the hay bales marking out the course] Whoa-whoa, look out
buddy, look out! [One of the marshals runs out of the way] Look out, look out!
[Tim is out of control] |
| Audience: | Ohhhh. |
| Tim: | Aah! [Tim drives through the "Metropolitan
Children's Hospital" sign. Al watches through binoculars] Aahh! [Tim drives
through a fence towards the road] Aahhh! |
| | |
| Cut to the living room, that evening. |
|---|
| [Tim is at the front door, still wearing his crash helmet.
There are red lights flashing] |
| | |
| Tim: | Yeah, thanks Officer. I, I'll make sure I get
those tickets for "Tool Time" for you. You bet. [Jill waves and Tim goes
inside] So, how was your day? [Tim kisses Jill. Tim is carrying a
ticket] |
| Jill: | Well, when I heard on the news that [Jill
shuts the front door] there was a lawnmower running amok down I-96 with a police
helicopter in hot pursuit, I thought to myself, "Could this be my husband?" Are
you alright? [Tim is studying the ticket] |
| Tim: | Pretty good chance of that. Yeah I'm alright.
There's good news and bad news. The bad news is I got a ticket and they
impounded the lawnmower. |
| Jill: | What's the good news? |
| Tim: | The good news is I mowed 40 lawns and made 186
bucks! [Jill laughs] |
| Jill: | What is this thing? [Jill points to the
camera on Tim's helmet] |
| Tim: | This thing is a helmetcam so we could see my
perspective during the race. And I might add that, er, [Cut to the helmetcam
and a close up of Jill] you're looking pretty nice, honey. |
| Jill: | Thank you. [Jill backs away] |
| Tim: | Where are the boys? [Tim follows
Jill] |
| Jill: | Across the street. [Tim turns to look towards
the street and then turns back to Jill. Jill laughs] |
| Tim: | So we're alone, huh? |
| Jill: | Don't even think about it Tim. |
| Tim: | Come here woman, come here! [Tim chases Jill
around the house. Jill opens the closet door and Tim walks into it. Jill holds
up a mirror to Tim and he sees his reflection] Aahhh! |
| | |
| CREDITS |
|---|
| | |
| Cut to the set. |
|---|
| | |
| Taran comes running on and bows. |
| Announcer: | Jonathan Taylor Thomas! |
| [Jonathan comes running on and bows] |
| Announcer: | It's Zachery Ty Bryan, a big hand for
Zachery! |
| [Zachery comes running on and bows] |
| Announcer: | The fantastic Patricia
Richardson! |
| [Patricia comes running on and bows] |
| Announcer: | And Mr. Tim Allen, right down here, Tim
Allen! |
| [Tim comes running on, still wearing the helmetcam. Cut to
the helmetcam] |
| Announcer: | They we go. Give everybody a big round
of applause. |
| [Cut back to the normal camera. The entire cast bows. Earl is holding a fence in front of
his face] |
| | |
| THE END |
|---|
