Ploys for Tots

COLD OPENING

FADE IN:

INT. "TOOL TIME" SET - DAY (DAY 1)
(TIM, AL, HEIDI, ED, WALLY, BILL, AUDIENCE)

(A BANNER READS "REMODELING WEEK" THERE IS A CURVED PARTITION COVERING A PORTION OF THE SET)

MUSIC CUE: BINFORD STING

HEIDI
Welcome back to "Remodeling week"

TIM
You probably know that home remodeling, like Al's mom's beef intake, is on the rise.

AL
And just the way you look for quality Grade A beef, you want a quality Grade A contractor.

TIM
There are a lot of great ones out there.

AL
And a lot of lowlifes. These unscrupulous scoundrels prey on innocent homeowners, then move on to their next unsuspecting victims.

TIM
Al, they're contractors. Not serial killers. Today, we're going to teach you how to choose the best person to remodel your home.

HEIDI
Welcome to "The contracting Game".

MUSIC UP: A BOUNCY "DATING GAME" TYPE TUNE

(THE CURVED PARTITION SWINGS AROUND TO REVEAL THREE GUYS: ED, WALLY AND BILL SITTING ON BAR STOOLS)

TIM
Let's meet the bonded boys who build.

AL
CONTRACTOR NUMBER ONE IS AN EX-NAVY MAN FROM SAGINAW WHO ENJOYS APPRAISALS. ELECTRICAL WORK AND LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH

HEIDI
Say hello to Ed.

(ED SMILES AND WAVES)

AL
Contractor number two calls himself a trustworthy Taurus who wrote the primer on primer.

HEIDI
Say hello to Wally.

(WALLY WINKS AND WAVES)

AL
Contractor number three says he's great at grouting, enjoys fine dining, and will paint any surface at the drop of a cloth.
HEIDI
Say hello to Bill.

(BILL SMILES AND WAVES)

AL
Now choosing the right contractor means asking the right questions.

TIM
Like, 'Are you fully licensed?' 'How much butt crack can we look forward to seeing?'

AL
Let's find out.

TIM
Contractor number one. You've promised my new kitchen will be done in six weeks. That's contractor time. What is it in real time?

ED
Well, that depends on how soon the materials arrive, when I can schedule any subs. Inspections...

TIM
Already taking to long. Contractor number two. Let's say you've given me a quote of 10,000 dollars to do my bathroom.

WALLY
That seems a little low.

ED
I could do it for 9-5.

TIM
Night copper plumbing.

ED
Depends on whether you want light grade, heavy grade, domestic, imported...

TIM
Getting a headache. Contractor number three. Lets say you're putting a parquet floor in my library.

(AL AND HEIDI START TO LAUGH)

TIM (CONT'D)
It could happen.

(TO BILL)

You're in the middle of the job, and you get a call from the hospital that your wife's having a baby. Do you finish the floor or run to the hospital?

BILL
Tim, my wife and I have been trying to have a baby for three years.

TIM
Hey, I've wanted a parquet floor for ten.

BILL
I have a commitment to my wife.

TIM
And I've got an unfinished floor crying out for polyurethane.

BILL
Well, if you really needed the work done, I would do it.

TIM
'Atta boy. Look at it this way. The floor will probably last longer than the marriage.

BILL
Especially now, since my wife is watching.

AL
Okay, Tim, it's the moment of truth.

HEIDI
Are you going to go with contractor number one, two or three?

ED
All right, I'll give you the heavy grade copper for the price of the medium.

TIM
And yet I'm still going to go with Contractor number Three.

(TO BILL)

Congratulations.

BILL
All right. When do I start the job?

TIM
What job? This is just a game.

BILL
There's no job? I took a whole day off for nothing?

TIM
Not nothing. You get a complimentary Binford tote bag and this lovely keychain.

(TIM HOLDS UP A KEYCHAIN WHICH BREAKS)

TIM (CONT'D)
You're handy. You can fix it.

CUT TO MAIN TITLES:

ACT 1

SCENE 1

INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - DAY (DAY 2)
(TIM, JILL, BRAD, MARK, MARTY, CLAIRE, GRACIE)

(BRAD, MARK, CLAIRE AND GRACIE ARE AT A TABLE FINISHING OFF CAKE AND ICE CREAM. CLAIRE AND GRACIE ARE WEARING PARTY HATS. TIM, JILL AND MARTY ARE AT THE COUNTER, CLEARING DISHES. NEARBY WE SEE WRAPPED BIRTHDAY GIFTS: TWO LARGE, LONG BOXES AND SEVERAL SMALLER ONES)

MARTY
This is a great cake Jill. What's your secret?

JILL
Brunhilde's Bakery. It's on Woodward. The place with the flashing neon lederhosen.

TIM
Oh. I thought that was something else.

JILL

(TO MARTY)

I hope this party was okay. I know their mom threw them quite a birthday bash the other night.

TIM
Big deal. A clown... some cotton candy machines... a live elephant...

MARTY

(SOTTO, TO TIM)

That wasn't an elephant. That was Nancy's mom in a gray bathrobe.

JILL
Why don't we open the presents?

MARTY
Good idea. I have to leave for work pretty soon.

(CLAIRE AND GRACIE RUSH OVER TO THE GIFTS AND START UNWRAPPING THE TWO LARGE BOXES. MARTY GETS UP AND HELPS THEM)

BRAD
So, Uncle Marty, dad says you've got a job in canine nutrition.

MARTY
I bag kibble at a dog food factory.

TIM
Hey, I was just trying to build you up.

MARTY
Me, too. I'm only an assistant kibble-bagger.

(CLAIRE PULLS A WHEEL OUT OF ONE BOX. GRACIE PULLS HANDLEBARS OUT OF THE OTHER)

MARTY (CONT'D)
Those are from me. Do you like them?

GRACIE
What are they?

MARTY
Bicycles. Almost. They have to be put together.

CLAIRE Thanks, dad.

TIM

(TO CLAIRE AND GRACIE)

Yeah. Then you can race around the block and spook some 3 year-olds.

MARTY
Thanks, Tim.

(MARK GRABS A GIFT, HANDS IT TO CLAIRE)

MARK
This is from Brad and me.

(CLAIRE RIPS OFF THE PAPER TO REVEAL A BOX OF LEGO'S)

CLAIRE
Lego's!

GRACIE
All right!

(JILL PICKS UP TWO PRESENTS, HANDS ONE TO CLAIRE, THE OTHER TO GRACIE)

JILL
These are from me and uncle Tim.

(CLAIRE AND GRACIE OPEN THE GIFTS AS BRAD AND MARK GET INTO THE LEGO'S)

JILL (CONT'D)

(TO MARTY)

I wasn't sure what to buy. I hope they like them.

(GRACIE AND CLAIRE TAKE DOLLS OUT OF THE BOX)

GRACIE
The Spice Girls!

CLAIRE
Cool!

TIM
All right. We'll take them back.

CLAIRE
Gracie got Posh Spice. I want Posh Spice.

GRACIE
No. You keep Sporty Spice.

CLAIRE
Daddy, I don't want Sporty Spice. I want Posh Spice.

JILL
What's wrong with Sporty Spice?

CLAIRE
I want Posh Spice.

GRACIE
But they gave me Posh Spice.

TIM
Who wants Old Spice? I've got a bottle upstairs from '62.

MARTY
Gracie, why don't you trade dolls with Claire?

JILL
Marty, we did kind of give that one to Gracie.

MARTY
They're all Spices. What's the difference?

(TO GRACIE)

Come on, honey. If it'll make you sister happy, does it really male that much of a difference?

GRACIE
I guess not...

(GRACIE RELUCTANTLY GIVES THE DOLL TO CLAIRE. CLAIRE SMILES)

MARTY
I'd better get going.

(KISSES THE GIRLS, THEN, TO TIM AND JILL)

Thanks again for the party. Ciao.

TIM
(WAVING)

Puppy ciao.

(MARTY EXITS)

JILL
Why don't you girls play with the Spice Girls upstairs?

(CLAIRE AND GRACIE AD-LIB "OKAY" AND EXIT UPSTAIRS)

JILL (CONT'D)
And why don't you boys play with the Lego's downstairs?

MARK
I've got to do homework.

BRAD
I'm going to the mall. Hey, while I'm there, maybe I can pick up the Lego heliport.

MARK
All right.

(THEY EXIT)

JILL

(TO TIM)

Can you believe what Marty just did?

TIM
I know. Leaving me to put the bikes together.

JILL
Not the bikes. What he did with the girls. He let Claire walk all over him.

TIM
No, he didn't. He just wanted to make her happy.

JILL
At her sister's expense.

TIM
You're making way too big a deal out of this.

JILL
It is a big deal. Marty isn't helping Claire by giving in to her. He's letting her take control.

TIM
Jill. It's not our business. And besides, we don't know anything about raising girls.

JILL
Hello? Someone in this room was a girl once.

TIM
Jill, that's ancient history. That was before the invention of the electronic ignition.

JILL
I'll remember that tonight when you want me to turn over.

TIM
All I'm saying is, we're not qualified to deal with this.

JILL
Tim, it doesn't matter whether you have boys or girls. You've got to give kids boundaries and Marty's not doing that.

TIM
Jill, Marty's doing great, considering what he's going through. For God's sake, the guy has to work on his girls' birthday, cranking out Snausages.

JILL
That's got to be pretty tough for him. And for the girls.

TIM
Well, at least they get to spend the their birthday with their aunt Jill and uncle Tim.

JILL
Actually, just their uncle Tim. Aunt Jill's going to the library. Good luck.

(JILL EXITS)

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE 2

INT. KITCHEN (FAMILY ROOM - TWO HOURS LATER (DAY 2)

(TIM, MARK, CLAIRE, GRACIE)

(MARK IS FINISHING ASSEMBLING A BIKE)

MARK
All done. What about you dad?

TIM (O.S.)
Almost.

(PULL BACK TO REVEAL THAT TIM'S BIKE IS NOWHERE NEAR DONE)

TIM (CONT'D)
Girls' bikes are a lot different than boys.

MARK
Yeah. They're pink.

(TIM PUTS A BICYCLE SEAT ON AS CLAIRE AND GRACIE ENTER FROM UPSTAIRS)

GRACIE
Are our bikes done?

MARK
Just mine. Uncle Tim's going to need a few more hours.

TIM
Do you want it right or do you want it fast?

MARK

(TO GIRLS)

You're not going to get either. So go with fast.

GRACIE
When you're done, can we go outside and ride them?

TIM
I don't think so, honey. It's freezing out there.

CLAIRE
Can we ride them inside?

TIM
No. That's not a good idea.

CLAIRE
Please, uncle Tim.

TIM
Your aunt Jill would get very upset.

(CLAIRE POUTS)

TIM (CONT'D)
You've never seen your aunt Jill very upset, have you?

CLAIRE
Please uncle Tim. Pleeeeease?

CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE 3

INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - LATER THAT DAY (DAY 2)
(TIM, JILL, MARTY, CLAIRE, GRACIE)

(ALL THE FURNITURE HAS BEEN MOVED TO THE CENTER. THERE'S A RAMP OVER THE STEPS. CLAIRE IS RIDING HER BIKE AROUND THE ROOM AND OVER THE RAMP. GRACIE IS IN THE KITCHEN WATCHING. JILL ENTERS FROM THE GARAGE)

JILL
Claire. What are you doing?

CLAIRE
Hi, aunt Jill.

JILL
Who said you could ride your bike in the house?

(TIM ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY, RIDING THE OTHER BIKE)

TIM
Heeeeere I come...

JILL
Tim.

(TIM STOPS RIDING)

TIM
Hi, honey. Want to hop on the handlebars and take a spin around the coffee table?

JILL
Yeah, then maybe we can flood the basement and swim laps.

GRACIE
Uncle Tim, is this aunt Jill being 'very upset'?

TIM
Getting there.

(JILL PULLS TIM ASIDE)

JILL
I'd like an explanation.

TIM
It's their birthday.

JILL
We never let the boys ride bikes in the house, birthday or no birthday.

TIM
Jill, they come from a broken home.

JILL
Claire sweet-talked you, didn't she?

TIM
They're away from their mother. Their dad's forced to box chicken-flavored things for a living...

JILL
What did she say? 'Uncle Tim, pleeeeease'?

TIM
No. It was 'Pleeeeease, Uncle Tim.'

JILL
You're doing exactly what Marty does.

(TO CLAIRE AND GRACIE)

Girls, no more bike riding in the house.

CLAIRE
But uncle Tim said we could.

TIM
Uncle Tim made a mistake.

JILL
Why don't you girls go wash up for dinner?

GRACIE
Okay.

(GRACIE EXITS UPSTAIRS)

CLAIRE
Uncle Tim, you promised you'd show me how to pop a wheelie.

TIM

(TO JILL)

She misunderstood me. I said, 'Put the top on the Healey.'

(CLAIRE BEGINS CRYING)

CLAIRE
I want to ride my bike. Please, Uncle Tim.

TIM

(TO JILL, SOTTO)

Are you sure it's so terrible to let her do one wheelie?

JILL

(SOTTO)

Tim. We've said 'no' to the boys hundreds of times.

TIM

(SOTTO)

And look how they turned out.

CLAIRE
I want to ride my bike! I want to ride my bike!

JILL
Tim.

TIM
Okay. There's no more bike riding in the house.

(CLAIRE CRIES LOUDER. TIM REACTS)

JILL

(TO TIM)

Let her cry. She needs to know she can't be rewarded for throwing a tantrum.

TIM
And what do we get out of it?

JILL
We're not doing this for ourselves. We're doing it for the girls. And when Marty comes home, he'll see that we did the right thing and thank us for it.

(MARTY ENTERS, SEES CLAIRE)

MARTY
Claire, what's wrong?

(SHE RUNS OVER TO MARTY)

CLAIRE
Uncle Tim and Aunt Jill won't let us ride bikes in the house.

(MARTY PICKS HER UP, HUGS HER)

MARTY
It's all right sweety.

JILL
We didn't feel it was right to give in.

MARTY
I don't believe this.

JILL
It's okay. It's perfectly normal for kids to get upset when they don't get their way.

MARTY
It's their birthday. I leave them with you for six hours, I come home and they're hysterical.

(TO CLAIRE)

Honey, I promise if you stop crying, daddy will take you out for pizza and ice cream.

CLAIRE
Chocolate chip?

MARTY
Any flavor you want.

(CLAIRE STOPS CRYING AND SMILES)

CLAIRE
Okay.

MARTY
Let's go get your sister.

(MARTY AND CLAIRE EXIT UPSTAIRS)

TIM
Maybe he'll thank us by bringing back some Rocky Road.

(FADE OUT)

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE 1

INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - MOMENTS LATER (DAY 2)
(JILL, TIM, BRAD)

(TIM AND JILL ARE AS WE LEFT THEM)

JILL
I don't believe this. We don't want people riding bikes in our living room, and we're the bad guys. We've got to talk to Marty.

TIM
He hasn't exactly been receptive to us so far.

JILL
So what are you saying? We just let this go on?

TIM
Claire only started acting up this morning. She's probably overexcited because it's her birthday. And Marty's under a lot of stress. I say we give it a day or so.

JILL
Okay. But one more tantrum, and we're going in.

TIM
I'll be leading the charge.

JILL
God, I am so glad the boys are out of the tantrum stage.

(THE FRONT DOOR OPENS. BRAD COMES IN CARRYING SHOPPING BAGS)

BRAD
What is it with mall parking? I drove around in circles for two hours trying to find a space. I had to park a mile away and carry all this stuff back to the car. How do they expect people to shop in their freakin' stores if they don't give them any place to park their cars. It's insane.

(BRAD EXITS)

JILL
Well, at least he's potty trained.

CUT TO

ACT TWO

SCENE 2

INT KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - TWO DAYS LATER - BREAKFAST (DAY 3)
(TIM, JILL, BRAD, MARK, MARTY, CLAIRE, GRACIE)

(THEY ALL SIT AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST. CLAIRE READS THE OUTSIDE OF A CEREAL BOX)

CLAIRE
Look. There's a gross and gooey prize at the bottom of the box.

TIM
You want gross and gooey, eat your aunt Jill's eggs.

CLAIRE
I want the prize.

(SHE REACHES INTO THE FULL CEREAL BOX)

MARTY
You've got to dig deeper than that. Get your whole arm in there.

(THE TAYLOR'S REACT)

JILL
I was going to eat that cereal.

TIM
Sure, you won't eat your eggs.

MARTY
Don't worry Jill. She doesn't want the cereal. She just wants the prize. See you guys later.

(MARTY EXITS, AS CLAIRE CONTINUES TO DIG THROUGH THE CEREAL BOX, SPILLING CEREAL EVERYWHERE)

BRAD
How come we always had to wait until the box was empty to get the prize?

MARK
Mom had this weird thing about hygiene.

JILL
I still do. Claire, can I have the box of cereal?

CLAIRE
No.

(JILL PULLS TIM ASIDE)

JILL
Tim, this is way out of hand. Last night, Marty let her keep the TV on past midnight. Today, he lets her put her fist in the Fruit Hoops.

TIM
I know. And it's not even a good prize. The one from the last box wasn't gooey at all.

JILL
I think we're ready for that talk with Marty. We'll sit him down tonight.

TIM
We can't do it here, with the kids around. Maybe if I went to see him at work, it'd be easier to have a serious discussion.

JILL
At the dog food factory?

TIM
For your information, he got promoted to another division. He's in Chew Toys & Squeakies.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE 3

INT. DOG TOY FACTORY - DAY (DAY 3)
(TIM, MARTY, FOREMAN)

(TIM ENTERS THE FACTORY. HE APPROACHES A FOREMAN SEATED AT A DESK)

TIM
I'm looking for Marty Taylor.

FOREMAN
Marty Taylor? Chew toy inspector?

TIM
Inspector? Very impressive.

FOREMAN
He's over there.

(TIM CROSSES TO THE CHEW TOYS/SQUEAKIES SECTION. THERE ARE VARIOUS PILES OF DOGGY TOYS ALL AROUND. MARTY IS TESTING THE SQUEAKER ON A HOT DOG SQUEAK TOY. IT WORKS. MARTY LAUGHS)

MARTY
Gets me every time.

(MARTY AND TIM AD-LIB HELLOS)

MARTY
Hey Tim. What are you doing here?

TIM
I thought I'd buy you lunch, and we could talk.

MARTY
I already had lunch. And I'm way behind with my work.

TIM
I'll help you out. What do I do?

MARTY
Just grab something from the box and check it for structural integrity and performance.

(TIM PICKS UP A "DOGGY NEWSPAPER" SQUEAK TOY AND SQUEAKS IT)

TIM

(READING)

'THE WEEKLY WOOF, NEW FIRE HYDRANT ON FIFTH AND MAIN. ALL BREEDS WELCOME.'

(THROUGH THE FOLLOWING, TIM AND MARTY GO THROUGH VARIOUS BOXES OF SQUEAK TOYS)

MARTY
So, what's up?

TIM
Look, Marty, these kind of talks have never been easy for us, but we're adults now...

(TIM PULLS A TOY BUNNY OUT OF THE BOX AND SQUEAKS IT)

MARTY
How'd I screw up this time?

TIM
Don't think of it in terms of you screwing up. Think of it in terms of...

(SEARCHING, THEN LOOKS AT THE SQUEAK TOY HE'S NOW HOLDING)

...this penguin.

MARTY
What?

TIM
Let's say he just split up with Mrs. Penguin. Maybe she was a little cold...

(TIM SQUEAKS THE PENGUIN)

...so, now they're sharing custody of their twin -

(TIM PICKS UP TWO OTHER SQUEAK TOYS)

Ducks.

MARTY
How can penguins have ducks?

TIM
Listen Marty, I know your kids are having a tough time with the separation. But you're letting them get away with an awful lot.

MARTY
What are you talking about?

TIM
Claire is learning that she can get whatever she wants just by throwing a tantrum. The other day, Jill and I tried to discipline her. Then you came home and rewarded her with ice cream.

MARTY
I probably shouldn't have done that. I just feel so guilty about the break-up. My instinct is to give these kids everything they want.

TIM
But you're not doing them a favor.

MARTY
I know. The truth is, I was never good at disciplining. That was always Nancy's job.

(MARTY SQUEAKS A WEDGE OF CHEESE)

TIM
But now, when you have the kids, there are times when you're just going to have to get tough.

(TIM SQUEAKS A BUNCH OF BROCCOLI)

MARTY
You're right. And when I'm not around, I'm going to have to let you get tough.

(MARTY SQUEAKS A LAMB CHOP)

TIM
You know, this is a really annoying job.

MARTY
You think this is bad? There was a guy at my last job who had to taste beef and liver treats.

TIM
At least he gets paid. I eat Jill's for free.

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE 4

INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - THAT EVENING (DAY 3)
(TIM, MARTY, BRAD, CLAIRE, GRACIE)

(TIM IS ON THE COUCH, WATCHING TV. BRAD ENTERS FROM THE BASEMENT AND CALLS UPSTAIRS)

BRAD
Gracie. Claire. Hurry up. We're going to be late for the movie.

SFX: EXPLOSION NOISES COMING FROM THE TV

BRAD (CONT'D)
What are you watching?

TIM
'Worlds biggest explosions.' They're about to blow up a mattress warehouse in Skokie.

(CLAIRE AND GRACIE COME DOWN THE STAIRS. CLAIRE IS WEARING JILL'S CLOTH AND MAKE-UP. HER FACE IS COVERED WITH MAKE-UP)

CLAIRE
I'm ready.

TIM
Claire, what did you do?

CLAIRE
I put on aunt Jill's make-up and shoes.

TIM
Did aunt Jill give you permission to go through her things?

CLAIRE
No.

GRACIE
I told her not to do it.

TIM
Claire, go back upstairs, take off whatever belongs to aunt Jill, and wash your face.

CLAIRE
No. I want to look pretty.

TIM
Go upstairs and take that stuff off.

CLAIRE
No.

TIM
Yes.

(MARTY ENTERS)

MARTY
Hey guys.

CLAIRE
Daddy.

(CLAIRE RUNS OVER TO MARTY AND HUGS HIM)

MARTY
Why are you dressed like that?

CLAIRE
I'm going out. To the movies.

TIM
She put on Jill's clothes and make-up without permission, and she won't go upstairs and change.

MARTY
I'll handle this. Claire, go change right now.

CLAIRE
No.

MARTY
Yes.

CLAIRE
No.

TIM

(TO MARTY)

What else you got?

MARTY
Claire, you're not going to the movie.

CLAIRE
Yes, I am.

MARTY
Brad, take Gracie to the movie. Claire's staying here.

BRAD
Come on, Gracie.

(TO TIM AND MARTY)

See you later.

GRACIE
I told her not to do it.

(BRAD AND GRACIE EXIT)

CLAIRE

(TO MARTY)

I hate you.

TIM
Claire, you don't mean that.

CLAIRE
Yes I do. I hate him. I want to go live with Mommy!

(SHE RUNS OUT THE BACK DOOR)

MARTY

(CALLING)

Claire!

TIM
(INDICATING)

You go out that door. I'll go out this one. We'll cut her off.

(TIM AND MARTY EXIT TO THE BACKYARD)

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE 5

EXT BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS ACTION (DAY 3)
(TIM, WILSON, MARTY, CLAIRE)

(MARTY AND TIM ENTER AND RUN TOWARDS CLAIRE. MARTY CATCHES HER)

CLAIRE
Leave me alone! I hate you!

MARTY
In the house, Claire. Now.

(MARTY ESCORTS THE SCREAMING CLAIRE BACK INTO THE HOUSE. WILSON COMES TO THE FENCE, WEARING A SKI MASK, WHICH COVERS EVERYTHING BUT HIS EYES AND MOUTH)

WILSON
Tim, what's going on?

TIM
I might ask you the same thing. Did you just knock off a liquor store?

WILSON
No, no, no. I'm experimenting with thermal headgear for my heliskiing trip.

(WILSON TAKES OFF HIS SKI MASK, TO REVEAL THAT HE IS WEARING A NEOPRENE FACE GAITOR)

TIM
Speaking of hell, I think the devil's living in my house.

WILSON
I take it you mean Claire.

TIM
Man, can she scream. She's louder than Al's mom when you take away her pudding.

WILSON
So, Marty's having a tough time controlling her?

TIM
Everybody is. You know that thing about little girls - 'Sugar and spice and everything nice'? Urban legend. Like the 3-foot Mexican sewer rat.

WILSON
That one's real. It was spotted in Tijuana by my cousin, Juan Wilson.

TIM
Don't get me wrong, Claire can be really sweet. But when she acts up, she's much harder to discipline than the boys ever were.

WILSON
Well, our society has taught us that females are the fairer, gentler sex. And because we view little girls as more fragile, it's harder to be tough with them.

TIM
Yeah. They look up at you with those baby blue eyes, and you're a dead man. With boys, it's easy. You can punish them one day and the next day, show them how to do arm farts.

WILSON
Well, by nature, it's easier for fathers to relate to their sons.

TIM
I really feel bad for Marty. Not only does he have to figure out how to raise daughters, he's got to do it without a wife.

WILSON
If I may quote an ancient proverb, 'A little help is worth a great deal of pity.'

TIM
But I just told you, Wilson. I can't help Marty, because I don't know anything about girls.

WILSON
Tim, you have a lot of experience as a parent. If you trust yourself, you might find that the rules you applied to the boys will also work with Claire.

TIM
I'll give it a shot. Thanks, Wilson.

(TIM STARTS TO CROSS AWAY)

WILSON
One more thing, Tim. My father never taught me to -

(WILSON MAKES AN "ARM FART" GESTURE)

TIM
Say no more. The key is how you cup your hand.

(AS TIM CUPS HIS HAND)

CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE 6

INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - CONTINUOUS (DAY 3)
(TIM, JILL, MARTY, BRAD, CLAIRE [O.S.])

(TIM ENTERS. MARTY IS PACING AND LOOKING DISTRAUGHT. ON THE COFFEE TABLE, WE SEE AN UNFINISHED LEGO STRUCTURE)

TIM
How's it going?

CLAIRE (O.S.)
I hate you!

MARTY
Does that answer your question?

TIM
She doesn't hate you. She's just working off some anger.

MARTY
She's in her room. I gave her a time out.

(WE HEAR CLAIRE SCREAM AGAIN O.S.)

MARTY (CONT'D)
I'm going up there.

TIM
No. That's the worst thing you could do. They want an audience.

MARTY
Tim, this is killing me. I can't just stand here and do nothing.

TIM
All right...

(CROSSES TO COUCH, SITS DOWN, GRABS SOME LEGO'S)

Sit here and help me finish the bait and tackle shop.

(MARTY JOINS TIM ON THE COUCH)

(THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING, WE HEAR CLAIRE CRYING AND TANTRUMING OFF-SCREEN)

CLAIRE (O.S.)
Mommy would let me go to the movies!

MARTY
I'm going up.

(MARTY STARTS TO RISE. TIM PULLS HIM BACK DOWN)

TIM
You're staying here. And when she runs out of steam because nobody's paying attention to her, you're going to thank me.

(HANDING HIM SOME LEGO'S)

Here. Start building the worm cooler.

MARTY
She's going to hate me for life.

TIM
If she hates you for another hour, I'll be surprised.

(JILL ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, REACTS TO THE SCREAMING)

JILL
Tim, what's going on?

TIM
We're building a bait and tackle shop. While we wait out Claire's tantrum.

MARTY
I don't know if I can make it. I'm on the verge of a tantrum myself.

JILL
You'll get through it, Marty. You just need more troops.

SMASH CUT OUT

ACT TWO

SCENE 7

INT KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - AN HOUR LATER (DAY 3)
(TIM, JILL, MARTY, CLAIRE)

(JILL IS NOW SUPERVISING THE BUILDING AS SHE, MARTY AND TIM WORK ON THE LEGO'S, CLAIRE IS STILL TANTRUMING)

JILL
What kind of Idiot would put the mealworms next to the crickets? The crickets will keep them up all night.

(CLAIRE LETS OUT A LONG, CONTINUOUS SCREAM)

TIM
She's got to breathe sometime.

MARTY
Do you guys have any cotton balls?

JILL
You've just got to tune it out. I can barely even hear her anymore.

(CLAIRE LETS OUT A LOUDER SCREAM)

JILL (CONT'D)
That, I heard.

TIM
Where did she learn to scream like that?

MARTY
Her mother. Oh, man. When Nancy goes off on me, she can last for -

JILL
Listen.

(IT'S COMPLETELY SILENT. TIM, JILL, AND MARTY LOOK AT EACH OTHER)

MARTY
She stopped. Should I go up there?

TIM
Careful. It could be a trap.

(CLAIRE APPEARS AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS. SHE'S IN HER OWN CLOTHES, AND ALL THE MAKE-UP HAS BEEN WASHED OFF)

CLAIRE
Hi.

(EVERYONE AD-LIB A NONCHALANT "HI CLAIRE." CLAIRE COMES DOWN THE STAIRS AND CROSSES TO MARTY)

CLAIRE (CONT'D)
Dad, can I have a peanut butter sandwich?

(MARTY LOOKS TO TIM AND JILL)

JILL

(SOTTO)

Peanut butter sandwiches are good.

MARTY

(TO CLAIRE)

Uh-huh.

CLAIRE
With jam, please?

(Marty looks to Tim and Jill again)

TIM

(SOTTO)

Go with grape.

MARTY

(TO CLAIRE)

Sure.

CLAIRE
Can you cut off the crusts?

MARTY
You got it. Could I have a bite?

CLAIRE

(SMILES)

Okay.

JILL

(SMILES AT MARTY)

You made it.

TIM

(TO MARTY)

While you're up, fix me a peanut butter sandwich. Chunky. With a skosh of banana.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

TAG

FADE IN

INT. KITCHEN/FAMILY ROOM - ANOTHER DAY (DAY 4)
(TIM, WILSON, CLAIRE, GRACIE)

(TIM IS THERE)

TIM
All right, it's time for the contest. Everybody get in place.

(PULL PACK TO REVEAL CLAIRE AND GRACIE, WITH THEIR ARMS UNDER THEIR SHIRTS. THEY EXECUTE PERFECT ARM-FARTS)

SFX: ARM FARTS

(PAN TO REVEAL: WILSON WITH HIS ARM UNDER HIS SHIRT, STILL STRUGGLING)

WILSON
Darn. I just can't get it.

TIM
Keep at it. It's much harder to learn as an adult.

(AS WILSON KEEPS TRYING)

FADE OUT

END OF SHOW.