Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Let Them Eat Cake

Episode No# 106
Written by:
Jon Vandergriff
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
D. Victor
Corrections should be sent to:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Ilene Markham - Sherry Hursey
Irma - Angela Paton
Jason - Jarred Paul
Preston - Adam Consolo
Bridgett - Lea Moreno
Page - Maria Sokoloff
Announcer - Gregory White
Episode opens up with Tim in his dressing chair on the set of Tool Time. Heidi walks in.
Heidi: Hi Tim.
Tim: Hello Heidi.
Heidi: I got a hold of the expense report... you might want to look at this before it goes to the boss.
Tim: Why do I want to look at it?
Heidi: Well check out page two under the heading "things Tim broke."
Tim: Porto-potty, 500 bucks... plate glass window, 275... fuses and circuit-breakers 150 buck... wha-... look, do me a big favor would ya? You know that Binford 6100 paper shredder?
Heidi: Uh huh?
Tim: Why don't you be a good friend and run this through there?
Heidi: Well, I can't, you broke it [Points to paper] 800 bucks.
Tim: Well why don't you help me out here and find something that I haven't broken and hide it in there!
[Tim leaves and walks to main part of set. Al is rehearsing his lines]
Al: And here we have the complete line of Binford pruners... the complete line of Binford power pruners...
Tim: What are you doing? [Picks up pruner to play with]
Al: I'm rehearsing... the complete line of Binford's- it's in the script, look!
Tim: Yeah. [He shreds the script with the pruner] C'mon. Are we demonstrating the extended version?
Al: We are not! If you'd read the script you would know that.
Tim: How am I supposed to read the script? It's in pieces!
[Erma from Cooking with Erma walks in]
Erma: Hi boys!
Tim: Hi Erma.
Erma: So who's looking forward to tonight's cable awards?
Tim: Well since you win everything every year... I am guessing you.
Erma: I do expect a statue or two for my special "21 thing you can do with a squash."
Tim: I can think of one more.
Erma: Oh Tim, you're such a little scallion! Well I'll see you tonight boys.. Bye byeeee!
Al: Bye!
[Erma leaves]
Tim: Sometimes that woman really steams my rutabagas!
Al: Come on Tim don't let Erma get to ya. I think we have a very good chance this year!
Tim: Yeah right.
Al: Come on Tim... turn that frown upside down! Come on...
Tim: Al, we never win! We go to the awards show, we look like a bunch of losers sittin' there. The crew gets all liquored up and breaks things. I just say we bail out early and I'm going to Eddie's Halloween party early. [Tim starts playing with the extended pruner]
Al: We can't insult the nominating committee. We can do both, we'll- we'll go to the awards and then go to Eddie's Halloween party.
Tim: There's no point in going to the awards show. The judges just don't go for family tool shows. They go for those high-brow urban cappuccino ridikio shows.
Al: May I remind you that we've done some excellent episodes? Pick any show from stucco week!
Tim: That's powerful television y'know.
Al: That's right. And who wasn't moved... by our salute to toilets.
Tim: We had the audience sittin' on the edge of their seats.
Al: Yeah. We deserve to be there!
Tim: That's right we do. Because we do quality television!
Al: That's right.
Tim: I mean, how many shows teach people to use stuff like this? [Switches on the extended pruner and catches it in the lighting in the ceiling, shooting out sparks]
[Opening credits]
Cut to Taylor kitchen.
[Mark is standing with his head tilted while Jill is looking in his ear. Randy is doing homework at the kitchen counter]
Mark: Why can't I go trick-or-treating tonight?
Jill: Because you have a fever and an ear infection.
Mark: How am I going to get any candy?
Jill: Well when Randy goes out he can just ask for extra candy for his sick brother.
Randy: Mom, I try that every year. It never works.
Jill: I'll give you a note.
Randy: Oh, won't I be cool?
[Tim enters from the garage]
Tim: Is he okay?
Jill: Hi, yeah.
Mark: Hi Dad.
Tim: Hey. [Leans over Mark and kisses Jill] Well, a little change in plans. I've decided to the cable awards banquet after all and then we'll go to Eddie's party after that.
Jill: No-no-no-no-no... more change of plans. We've lost the babysitter and somebody's gotta stay here with Mark.
Tim: Well, Randy could stay.
Randy: Can't do it Dad. I'm going trick-or-treating with a note from my mother!
[Brad and Jason enter through back yard]
Brad: Hi Mom. Hi Dad.
Jill: Hi.
Tim: Brad, what are you up to tonight?
Brad: Nothing, I am just gonna hang out at Jason's house.
Jason: [Sticks out hand to Jill for a shake] Hi I am Jason.
Jill: Hi, it's nice to meet you, Jason.
Jason: Nice to meet you.
Tim: [Shakes hands with Jason] How ya' doing?
Jason: "Tool Time" is my favorite show!
Tim: Yeah right. Brad tells me kids your age don't watch it.
Jason: Well I'm a year older than Brad, sir, I know that "Tool Time" isn't just about tools. It's a metaphor for how we live in the nineties.
Tim: It-it is. It-it is! Yes! Yeah, it is! I like this kid. Well, say, if you two are just hanging out and doing nothing at Jason's why don't you hang out and do nothing here and help us out cuz the sitter cancelled.
Brad: I don't want to ruin my whole night babysitting Mark.
Tim: Come on Brad don't be selfish, help me out here, will ya?
Jason: Brad, it's no big deal, we can hang out here and watch TV. Hey Mr. Taylor, are the cable awards being televised.
Tim: Absolutely! Channel eight-eighty seven is preempting all their programming.
Jill: Which consists of an infomercial and test pattern.
Jason: You are FUNNY! I bet you could have your own show too!
Jill: I bet you could run for office!
Tim: Which might not be a bad thing to have a tool man in the white house. Maybe, fix what's wrong with this country. Stick with it young man.
[Tim and Jill leave for the stairs. Brad and Jason sit on the couch]
Brad: Great, why'd you tell them we would stay here alone?
Jason: Brad, let me do the math for you. No parents plus you and Senator Jason equals party!
Brad: No, my parents'd kill me if they found out I had a party.
Jason: Brad, I know you're just a measly freshman but stick with me and you'll be a measly freshman who threw one great party. And wait until you meet my friends Page and Bridgett...HELLO!!
Brad: You're starting to make a lot of sense, Senator. [They shake hands]
Cut to Cable Awards Banquet.
[Tim, Jill, Al, Ilene and Heidi are sitting at a table together]
Announcer: And the winner for Best Achievement in Sound is... [Looks at envelope] No surprise here. Cooking with Erma! [Erma screams in delight]
Tim: How on Earth does she win for sound? What kind of sound does a baked chicken make?
Jill: [Imitates a dying chicken]
Erma: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Ah, this award makes 13 or as we like to say in my business, a baker's dozen!
Tim: Boy I'll tell ya, that woman really just ticks me- [Erma walks by] Congratulations!
Ilene: Well Tim you have to admit, her shows are good. She did that fabulous series on desserts.
Jill: Did you see the two-parter on lemon chiffon cake with the raspberry sauce?
Ilene: Yes, weren't you dying-
Jill: I was-
Tim: [Clinks silverware on glass] -Excuse me, got a minute?
Heidi: Sorry Tim.
Tim: What table are we sitting at? The "I love Erma" table is right over there.
Heidi: Sorry Tim.
Tim: Look, I've had it. I'm gonna get out of here and go to Eddie's party, alright?
Al: You can't leave the awards show in the middle of it! That's poor sportsmanship! Look at the Knitting with Norm table. [Shot of Norm and his colleagues sitting at the table knitting] Have they won anything tonight? No, but they're still here!
Tim: D'you wanna be like him? The man is knitting a toaster cover in public!
Jill: Well, we can't all get up and leave at the same time.
Ilene: You're right, it would look really bad.
Tim: Alright, Al, you and Ilene, you go to the bathroom and put your costumes on. We'll meet you out in the lobby in like ten minutes, okay?
Al: I don't want to go.
Tim: Come on.
Al: There's still five awards left and Erma can't win them all.
Announcer: And now the award for Best Lighting. The winner is...Erma goes to the fruit stand! [Erma screams in delight]
Al: Alright, let's go change, come on, let's go.
Cut to Taylor house.
[Brad is doing his hair in front of the glass window leading to the backyard]
Jason: Brad you've been working on your hair for an hour and half.
Brad: Yeah but you gotta admit, it was worth it. [Jason turns on TV] What are you doing?
Jason: Turning on the cable awards. That way when your parents get home, we'll know what happened.
Brad: How'd you get so smart?
Jason: I've thrown a lot of parties at other people's houses.
Mark: My ear hurts. I think I have puss.
Jason: You're fine.
Mark: How would you know?
Jason: I'm doctor.
Mark: You're in high school.
Jason: I see patients during recess.
[Door bell rings]
Jason: That's them. Get ready for the best night of your life.
Brad: Okay. [Pushing Mark away through the kitchen] Mark here's a buck, ok? Go upstairs.
Mark: The best night of your life? TWO bucks! [Brad gives him another dollar]
Jason: Brad, this is Page and Bridgett and some of their friends! [A bunch of kids come into the house]
Bridgett: Hi Brad, I love your hair.
Brad: I haven't even combed it yet.
Page: I brought some CDs.
Jason: Oh, cool, which ones?
Page: I got the new Mangles Lizards.
Jason: Cool the live album, Mangled in Moscow! [Puts the CD in the stereo and people start dancing]
[Phone rings]
Brad: Hey everybody quiet! [They turn off the music and get quiet] Parent alert! [Picks up phone] Hello, Oh hi Mom. Yeah everything's fine!
Page: Jason, stop tickling me!
Brad: No, Mom, that was me. I don't know - Jason's a tickler! Yeah everything's fine. Have a great time and don't worry about us! Alright, bye. [Hangs up]
Bridgett: You're parents aren't coming home early are they?
Brad: No, no my mom was just calling and asking about my little brother's puss.
Bridgett: Oh, My Little Brother's Puss, I love that band!
Cut to Cable Awards Banquet.
Erma: [Walking by Tim after accepting another award] Next year they should just move my table right up onto stage!
Tim: Or maybe just have the ceremony in your living room!
Erma: [Laughs hysterically]
[Jill comes back from using the phone and sits down, sighing]
Tim: What is it? Mark?
Jill: No, Mark's fine. I'm just worried about what else may be going on at the house.
Tim: What else is going on at the house?
Jill: Well, there was a lot of noise and Jason was tickling Brad. Maybe we should go home.
Tim: If Jason's tickling Brad, I don't want to go home.
Jill: I just don't like that Jason. He's just too smooth.
Tim: Oh he's a good kid. If it weren't for him, Brad wouldn't be glued to the TV right now.
Tim: [Camera man comes right in front of Tim and Tim waves] Hey Brad! Hey Brad! How ya doin'?!
Cut to the living room.
[Brad is kissing Bridgett next to the TV and hears Tim's voice. He pulls away fast and looks at the TV where Tim is waving. He sighs in relief and then shuts it off. He waves good bye to the TV and starts to kiss Bridgett again]
[Commercial Break]
Cut to Cable Awards Banquet.
Announcer: And now the award for the Best Show, the nominees are...Knitting with Norm for his special on Japanese Sweaters...Tora Tora, It's Angora! Cooking with Erma, for her Christmas special, Home for the Hollandaise. [Irma waves one of her awards at Tim]
Tim: I can't take anymore of this. Let's just go, come on.
Announcer: ...and "Tool Time" for their Salute to Engines, I Shoulda had a V8!
[Tim, Jill and Heidi have walked through the back to the lobby]
Announcer: ...and the winner is "Tool Time!"
Jill: You won! You won! [Hugs Tim]
Tim: Al, get out of the bathroom, we won best show!
Jill: Al!
[Al comes out of the back. He is wearing a mouse costume]
Al: It's about time someone took us seriously. Ilene, we won!
Ilene: [Comes out from the back wearing a cheese costume] Oh you did! Congratulations! [Tries to embrace Al but her costume gets in the way. They kiss over her costume]
Tim: Come on Fur Ball, let's go get our award!
Al: I-I can't go out there looking like this!
Tim: What are you, a man or a mouse?! Come on Buddy!
[They enter back into the Banquet room and proceed to the podium]
Al: [To Erma as he walks by] Well, I guess you feel pretty silly right about now!
Tim: Um, uh, it's hard to- hard to say how much thanks we have from everybody at "Tool Time"...which of course, is a- a- show that is-is uh- a metaphor for how we live our lives in the nineties. Um, I wanna th- uh uh, thank everyone from Binford tools, I wanna thank Heidi of course, my crew if they CAN HEAR ME OUT AT THE BAR! Uh, my three boys for inspiration and who am I missing, uh, um?
Jill: Your wife!
Tim: My wife! I'm sorry. And, er, most of all this man next to me, Al Borland who- whose professionalism and class and dignity has been an inspiration to many of us.
Al: Thank you, Tim. I -uh- well I just wanna say that -that, this proves that-that dreams really can come true. When- when I started out in this business, well I- I-I lived in a hole in the wall. But. Well, I want to say did- did I give up? Did I-did I run away with my tail between my legs? No! No! I went on!-
Tim: -and on and on and on! From both of us, thanks very much! And- and good night!
Al: Thank you!
[Tool Time music comes up and they walk away from podium]
Tim: [Shakes hands with Al] Congratulations buddy! Now, you finally have something else to put on your mantel instead of that big picture of your mom you blew up.
Al: That wasn't blown up.
Cut to Taylor house.
[There are many kids dancing to loud music in the living room, on the table. Brad and Bridgett are dancing behind the couch]
Bridgett: I love this music. Who is it?
Brad: The Bloated Jellyfish.
[Randy comes through front door from trick-or-treating wearing a zombie costume]
Preston: [Preston shows Randy and empty cigarette box] Hey, I'm out. You got any butts?
Randy: [Takes off mask] Just one and don't even think about lighting it up.
[Randy finds Brad and taps him on the shoulder]
Randy: Brad, what's going on here?
Brad: A few friends dropped by.
Jason: [Takes Randy's pillow case full of candy] Great candy! Let's see what you got here.
Randy: [Fights for his candy] Hey, that's mine! Give it back!
Jason: In your dreams!
Randy: Brad, you wanna help me out here?
Brad: I'm a little busy here! [Bridgett pulls him away]
Jason: We'll help you out. [He and one other guy lift Randy by his arms and take him outside]
Randy: Hey, hey, this is not good. Help!
Preston: Hey Brad, who's the guy with his pumpkin on his head?
[Wilson is waving from his side of the fence wearing a pumpkin on his head]
Brad: A guy who can get me in a lot of trouble if he tells my parents. I'll be back
[Brad walks outside]
Cut to the backyard.
Brad: Hey Wilson, how's it going?
[Randy is thrown from the decking and lands in a pile of leaves. He gets up and rubs his stomach]
Randy: I'm gonna get you for this Brad.
Brad: I thought you went to a Halloween party?
Wilson: Well actually I got back about a half an hour ago. Seems you're having quite a party over there?
Brad: Actually its not a party, I just had a few friends over. [Kicks a boy and a girl who are making out under the lawn chair out of Wilson's view]
Wilson: Hm, last time I counted, it was thirty seven.
[Boy and girl get up and run back into house]
Wilson: Ah, thirty nine!
Brad: You saw the whole thing?
Wilson: Actually Brad, I heard it and I must admit the melodic appeal of Bloated Jellyfish escapes me. You see I find him quite derivative of My Little Brother's Puss.
Brad: You're not gonna tell my parents, are you Wilson?
Wilson: Oh, Brad, Brad, Brad... you put me in such a quandary. On the one hand, is it a neighbor's place to get his friend's son in trouble? On the other hand, I am reminded of the Roman Quintas Horatius Flaccus who said "for it is your business if your neighbor's wall catches fire."
Brad: Yeah but what about the words of a great American Mister Rogers? He said... "Won't you be my neighbor?"
Wilson: Hm. Hm Hm. Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm.
Cut back into Taylor living room.
[Tim and Jill walk through the front door. Tim is dressed like a knight and Jill is dressed like Puff the Magic Dragon]
Jill: What is going on here?
Tim: Give me that beer!
Jill: Who are these kids?
Preston: He-e-y-y, Lancelot, what are you doing here?
Tim: [Lifts mask] Puff and I own this castle. [Pulls cigarette from kid's mouth]
Jill: I told you we should come home and find out what's going on.
[Randy comes in looking like it is painful for him to walk]
Randy: Mom, Dad? You guys came back early?
Tim: What are all these kids doing in the house?
Randy: Mostly torturing me.
Jill: Where's Brad?
Randy: Well, gee I don't want to get Brad in trouble but... check over there by the beer cans and the cigarette butts.
Jill: Brad! [Brad is with Bridgett by the TV] Brad! BRAD!
[Brad turns around. Jill is still wearing her whole Dragon costume in full]
Jill: [Puts hand on her hips and sternly speaks] YOU ARE IN SOOO MUCH TROUBLE!
Tim: And you know she means it. You can tell by the look on her face!
Cut to later.
[Brad is sitting in a chair, Tim is standing in front of him. Jill is pacing, wearing her costume all but the headpiece]
Jill: Alriiiggghhtt. Let's go back to the beginning. Whose idea was this? Jason's or yours?
Tim: It couldn't have been Jason's, he's a "Tool Time" fan and they know the difference between right and wrong.
Jill: Have you not figured out yet that that kid was conning you the whole time?
Tim: "Tool Time" fans don't con.
Jill: He's not a "Tool Time" fan! [To Brad] You never answered my question. Whose idea was this?
Brad: [Under his breath] Jason's.
Jill: But you went along with it! I mean we give you some responsibility, this is what happens?
Brad: Hey, I didn't want any responsibility!
Tim: Okay, we'll remember that in two years when you want your driver's license!
Brad: By then I might be ready for some responsibility.
Tim: We'll be the judge of that!
Jill: Did it ever occur to you to just say no?
Brad: Yes. But I didn't think it was that big a deal!
Tim: Well it is a big deal!
Jill: You had a sick brother at home, the house is a mess, there are cigarette burns on the couch!
Tim: What about all this alcohol?
Brad: They brought it, there's nothing I can do about that!
Tim: I don't want your friends bringing alcohol in to this house!
Brad: I wasn't drinking!
Tim: Everybody was under age and I don't care whether you were drinking or not. You know if anything happened to these kids... Puff and I'd be responsible!
Brad: [Lowers his voice] Okay. I am sorry, okay? I guess I wasn't thinking.
Jill: Well you should have. But now you're gonna have a month to think about it because that's how long you're gonna be grounded.
Brad: A month?
Tim: That's right, a month. And you might as well begin right now by cleaning this mess up. [Goes to hall closet and opens it. Jason and Page fall out of it while embracing each other]
Jason: Mr. Taylor! Hi! Page and I were just in here...looking for the vacuum. Is this where you keep it?
Tim: Get out here, Jason. [Walks back to the dining area] I want the truth and I want it right chance to come clean. Are you or are you not a "Tool Time" fan?
Jason: I've never seen the show in my life.
[Jason and Page leave through the front door]
Tim: Now, I know I have a heart because it's broken. [Taps on his tin knight suit by his heart]
Cut to the kitchen.
[Tim is eating breakfast at the kitchen table. Jill comes in]
Jill: Good morning.
Tim: Good morning.
Jill: I see you're still clutching that award.
Tim: I didn't realize I had it with me.
Jill: You took it in the shower this morning!
Tim: Y'know, it took me a long time to get this. It really means a lot to me.
Jill: I know honey. And I think it's real cute. I just hope we don't have to sleep with it again tonight.
Tim: No. I'm gonna make it a little bed.
Jill: Where's Brad?
Tim: Oh, he's out raking the yard. And then I'm gonna have him clean the attic.
Jill: You think he's actually gonna learn anything from all of this?
Tim: Well, when you did something wrong and you parents punished you, did you learn anything?
Jill: No... except to try harder not to get caught.
Tim: Well. Same with me. This is the point in my life, my mother was just waiting for it. [Mimicking his mother] One day I hope you have a little boy just like you!
Jill: My mom said the exact same thing. I can't believe it's actually come true.
Tim: So what do we do?
Jill: Oh, I guess we just... keep trying to be the best parents we can be. [Walks next to Tim and he puts his arm around her] Have a little faith. [They are looking at Brad raking leaves in the yard] And hope that one day he has a kid just like him.
[Outtake from scene when Tim and Al accept award at Cable Awards Banquet]
Al: ...when- when I started out in this business, well I- I-I lived in a hole in the wall. But. Well, I want to say did- did I give up? Did I-did I run away with my tail between my legs? No! No! I went on!-
Tim: -and on and on and on! From both of us, thanks very much! And- and good night!
Al: Thank you!

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