Images of the Cast of Home Improvement with the Home Improvement Archive title

Room Without a View

Episode No# 108
Written by:
Jon Vandergriff
Directed by:
Andy Cadiff
Transcript by:
Duncan Taylor

Tim Taylor - Tim Allen
Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson
Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan
Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith
Wilson - Earl Hindman
Al Borland - Richard Karn
Guest Cast
Heidi - Debbe Dunning
Episode begins in Randy & Mark's bedroom. Randy has Mark in a headlock and is holding him down on the floor.
Mark: Let go of me!
Randy: What're you gonna do? Yell for your mommy?
Mark: No. Daddy! [Tim enters. Randy releases Mark]
Tim: Hey boys! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, buh, buh, [Randy & Mark throw dirty clothes at each other] hey, stop it. What're you doing? Stop it. Remember what I told you guys about having laundry fights? If you're gonna have them, let me in. [Mark throws a sock at Randy and climbs up onto the bed]
Randy: Dad, Mark got his dirty clothes all over my desk. He's a total pig.
Tim: Huh, you think your room-mate's a pig? How d'you think mine feels, ha-ha-ha? [Randy looks through the papers on his desk]
Mark: Mark, what happened to the research for my history paper?
Mark: I didn't touch it.
Randy: Mark, it's important. I need that stuff.
Tim: Alright, alright, let's look together. It's got to be in here some place. What's it look like? [Mark climbs off the bed to help look]
Randy: Er, it's a couple of articles I clipped from the newspaper.
Tim: Newspaper, newspaper.
Mark: Newspaper? [Mark opens the tray at the bottom of his hamster cage. The articles are in the bottom of it]
Randy: Mark, how could you do that?
Mark: I thought it was trash.
Randy: Yeah, well it is now, you little creep. [Randy grabs Mark around the neck and pulls him down to the floor]
Mark: Ow!
Tim: Alright, alright, alright, come on. Break it up, break it up. [Tim pulls them apart]
Randy: That's it Dad. I've had it. I can't live with this little dweeb anymore. [Tim takes the newspaper out of the tray and shakes the droppings off it]
Tim: Hey, it's not that bad. Little puddle in the middle of it, you can still read the outside of it. There you go [Tim reads from the article] "The senate today was rocked by scandal as two members were formally mimi-tab-bull-lee-las" Ha, talk about your yellow journalism.
[Opening credits]
Cut to Tim & Jill's bedroom.
[Tim & Jill are in bed. Tim switches off the light and Jill snuggles up to Tim]
Tim: Uh-oh. Honey, it's a school night!
Jill: Maybe I can teach you something.
Tim: Alriiight. [Jill laughs] Y'know, if school had been like this, maybe I'd have paid more attention. [They kiss. There is a knock at the bedroom door]
Randy: [From outside the door] Mom, Dad, I gotta talk to you. [Tim & Jill straighten out the bedsheets and lie next to each other]
Tim: Well, get a hold of my people. We'll have lunch on Wednesday. [Jill lightly slaps Tim. Tim switches on the light]
Jill: Come in Randy. [Randy enters]
Randy: I can't sleep. Mark's making that snoring sound again. [Randy imitates the snore]
Tim: [To Jill] It's the same sound you make except there's more of a phlegmy touch to yours! [Jill slaps Tim]
Randy: I've gotta have my own room.
Jill: [Jill looks at her watch] Randy, it is eleven o'clock at night. Now, I-I promise tomorrow we'll set aside some special time and we'll sit down and talk about it.
Randy: In other words, you're hoping I'll forget about it by then.
Jill: Worked when you were younger. [Randy heads towards the door] Goodnight sweetie.
Randy: Night. [Randy leaves, shutting the door behind him. Tim switches off the light again]
Jill: Now where were we? [Jill snuggles over to Tim]
Tim: Back to school night. [They kiss] Hey, wait a minute. What about the basement?
Jill: I'm too old for that hard cement floor.
Tim: No. I could build him a bedroom in the basement.
Jill: Tim, we've talked about this before. I don't want one of the boys down there; it's too far away.
Tim: I could put an intercom in. You could nag at the touch of a button.
Jill: It is not just that. It's cold, it's damp, there's no light down there.
Tim: Maybe it is now but you've got to picture it the way I'm gonna make it.
Jill: I'm picturing what it's like every time you renovate. There's a big hole in the wall and two paramedics.
Tim: First of all, I'll make no holes in the wall, and you know what? It might be kind of cool to see Dave and Biff again.
Jill: Well, it's true that it's been a horrible disaster putting Randy and Mark together in the same room.
Tim: That's exactly why we should split them up and give him his own room.
Jill: I hate to admit this, but you might be [Jill struggles to say the word] right.
Tim: Of course I'm right, of course I'm right. And the best part about it: I can make a "Tool Time" remodel out of this thing.
Jill: Oh come on. Everytime we have to build something, why does "Tool Time" have to be dragged over here?
Tim: Because the house is too heavy to be dragged over to "Tool Time!"
Cut to the basement.
[Heidi is standing on the stairs, announcing the "Tool Time" show]
Heidi: Welcome to a very special "Tool Time" live from Tim's basement. Now here he is, the star of the show, Tim "The Toolman" Taylor. [The "Tool Time" theme music plays. Tim & Al come down the stairs. Tim hits his head to the pipe on the way down]
Tim: Hi, um, thank you Heidi. I am Tim "The Toolman" Taylor and you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [Al salutes]
Al: Here on "Tool Time" we understand the needs of a growing family.
Tim: That's why we're proud to present: "Converting-your-basement-to-a-bedroom-for-the-middle-son-who's-not-getting-along-with-the-younger-son" special.
Al: And here's Tim's middle son, Randy Taylor.
Randy: [Playing to the camera] Hi, I'm Randy. Welcome to my room, take off your shoes and don't mess anything up. [Randy laughs]
Al: Alright. Well, all this week on "Tool Time" we'll be showing you the step-by-step process of building a room in your basement.
Tim: Right, and the first step in any room conversion is a close look at the floor plan. [Tim & Al go over to the floor plan] And, er, Al, you've forgotten to put the stairway in here. Hmm-hmm-hm. [Al turns the plan around] Oh he has. There they are right there. [Brad comes down the stairs]
Brad: I just came down to get a football.
Tim: Well, that's O.K. Why don't you come over here and say hello. This is my oldest son, Brad Taylor.
Brad: Hi. I just want to say that I think the oldest son deserves the basement room. [Randy comes over]
Tim: We're doing a show here, Brad. [Randy pushes in front of the camera]
Randy: Yeah, well it really doesn't matter what he thinks because he's a big piece of --
Tim: -- Randy.
Brad: Hey! Don't give me any more of your --
Tim: -- Brad! You guys are becoming a major pain in the --
Al: -- Tim. O.K., we'll be right back after these messages from- [Brad throws the football at Randy, but he ducks behind Al and Al is hit] ah! W-would you just cut it out, you little --
Tim: -- Al.
Al: Oh, O.K.
Cut to the basement, a little later.
[Al is standing by some wooden frames]
Al: Now, before we can put up our framing, we need to attach this two-by-four nailer plate which we will secure directly into the concrete foundations.
Tim: For that we'll need a power fastner, and there's no better fastner on the market that Binford's 6100 series. Heidi.
Heidi: Here you are Tim. [Heidi hands Tim the fastner]
Tim: Look at that bad boy; solid steel construction, twenty-two calibre, full three inch pin capacity. [Grunting] Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Al: And you want to drive in your nails about every thirty-two inches, or every other stud.
Tim: Alright Marv, bring the camera in real close and watch how this thing works. [The camera moves in close on the fastner. Tim inserts the first nail] Huh? [Tim looks up at the camera and hits his head on it] Not that close, Marv..
Cut to the kitchen.
[Tim has a pack of frozen vegetables pressed against his face. Jill is making lunch]
Tim: Well, you've seen the progress so far; what d'you think?
Jill: Well, I like the room. I'm just not crazy about the idea of him moving down there.
Tim: Jill, you've gotta stop babying him. You've gotta give him his independence. Turn him into a man.
Jill: This is the beginning of the end. Now he's living in the basement, tomorrow England.
Tim: How did he get to England?
Jill: I always picture Randy being a Rhodes scholar.
Tim: He doesn't need to go to England to study roads; there's plenty of freeways right here in town.
Jill: He's just growing so fast. It seems like yesterday that I was bringing him home from the hospital.
Tim: If you're talking about last week, that was me.
Jill: He used to be so attached to me. I couldn't leave the room without him grabbing onto my leg.
Tim: I believe that was also me. [Tim laughs and goes down to the basement]
Cut to the basement, day two of the project.
[Tim & Al are presenting the show]
Tim: Hi, welcome back to "Tool Time."
Al: Alright, one last nail [Al kicks his hammer from his tool belt and catches it] and our drywall will be finished.
Tim: Yeah. [Al holds out his hammer to Tim. Tim tries to kick his own hammer from his tool belt but can't. Tim takes his hammer from his tool belt and taps in the nail. He gives it one last hit, and sinks the head of the hammer into the wall] A little more spackle and one last nail and our drywall's finished.
Cut to the kitchen.
[Randy is eating a chocolate mousse. Brad enters from the backyard]
Brad: Hey Randy.
Randy: Hey. Y'know Brad, I-I'm really sorry the basement isn't bigger so we could each have our own room.
Brad: Huh, you're so full of it.
Randy: You're absolutely right!
Cut to the basement, day three of the project.
[Tim is securing a shelf to a wall]
Tim: There you go. And now we just secure the shelf.
Al: Actually, before you secure the shelf, you should use your level to make sure it's aligned properly.
Tim: It is aligned properly; I built this myself, I used my eye.
Al: If it's level [Al takes a ball from his back pocket] the ball won't roll. [Al places the ball on the shelf. The ball doesn't roll]
Tim: Hm-hm-hm-hm-hmm. [The "I scored this one" hum] Alright, on to the built-ins. [Tim & Al walk away from the shelf. The shelf falls completely off the wall. Al comes back over]
Al: Hm-hm-hm-hm-hmm.
Cut to the kitchen.
[Randy is sitting on the counter, talking on the phone]
Randy: [To the phone] Yeah Michelle, it's gonna be great... Yeah, it'll be like having my own apartment [Jill enters. Randy doesn't see her] and I'm gonna be as far away from my parents as humanly possible. [Jill leans over the counter so that Randy can see her] Which is the one truly sad thing about it.
Cut to the basement, the last day of the project.
[Tim, Al & Randy comes down the stairs to the "Tool Time" theme music. Tim hits his head on the pipe on the way down]
Tim: Ow!
Al: Welcome back to "Tool Time." [Al salutes] And, and now is the moment we've all been waiting for.
Tim: That's right. Al's gonna remove his flannel briefs and summo wrestle with his mom. May the best man win. Go to it, Al.
Al: Do you think you'll ever get tired of making fun of my mother? [Tim thinks about this]
Tim: I, I see no sign of it.
Randy: Dad, my room.
Tim: Alright. Marv get ready. Son, your new basement room. Step in. [Tim slides open the door. A fanfare plays. Randy, Tim & Al enter the room]
Randy: Whoa! Dad, this is great: a boy's bunker, a lad's pad, a kid's castle.
Tim: Hey Randy, it's my show, O.K? Alright, because of the small area, we used a lot of space-saving features, right Al?
Al: That's right. Well, we custom built-in this desk [Al points to the curved desk against one wall] and we used an expanded steel for the cabinet doors. [Al points to the cupboards above the desk]
Tim: Right, and look over here; a built-in bed with storage units just like this. [Tim opens a drawer under the bed] We used custom-made steel tubing one-and-a-quarter inch thick.
Al: Yeah. Marv, you wanna come over here. [Al goes over to the doorway] I'm especially proud of this: my own design for an oversized sliding pocket door. [Al slides the door shut]
Tim: But wait till you see this. [Tim points to a cupboard by the door]
Randy: What is it?
Tim: Alright, this is a reverse laundry chute. [Tim slides open the door to the chute] You put your laundry in there, it sucks it right up to the garage right next to the washing machine. Let me demonstrate. While Al wasn't watching, I deftly removed his underwear. [Tim produces an extra-large pair of flannel briefs] Simply place them right here. [Tim places the briefs in the laundry chute] Al, press the button. [Al presses the button and the briefs are sucked up]
Cut to the garage.
[Jill is sorting laundry by the washing machine. The briefs are blown out of a hole above the washing machine and hit Jill in the face. Jill looks at them, puzzled]
Cut to Randy's room, that evening.
[Randy is working on his computer. Jill knocks on the door]
Randy: It's open. [Jill enters]
Jill: Hi.
Randy: Hey. [Jill has a look around the room]
Jill: I just thought I'd come down and, er, wish you sweet dreams on your first night in your new room. [Jill sits on the bed]
Randy: You did that when you came down five minutes ago.
Jill: I know, I know, I'm just having trouble [Randy sits down on the bed, next to Jill] adjusting to you being so far away.
Tim: [Over the intercom] Jill, will you stop bothering him and come back upstairs.
Jill: [Into the intercom] I'm having trouble leaving.
Tim: [Over the intercom] Step in front of the laundry chute.
Jill: [Into the intercom] Alright, I'm coming. [Jill comes over to Randy] Goodnight sweetie. [Jill tucks Randy into bed]
Randy: Night Mom. [Jill gives Randy a hug]
Jill: Sleep well. [Jill switches off the light, half closes the door and goes upstairs. Randy settles down to go to sleep. There is a tapping noise, followed by a whoosh. Randy opens his eyes]
Cut to Randy's room, 3:03 a.m.
[Randy is in bed. There is a clanging noise. Randy is awake, listening the the noises]
Randy: [Singing, nervously]
The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout.
[There is a thumping noise and a rumbling noise. Randy rolls over]
This little light of mine,
Oh I'm gonna let it shine,
This little light-
[There is a creaking noise]
99 bottles of beer on the wall,
99 bottles of beer,
If one of those bottles should happen to fall,
98 bottles of beer on the wall.

98 bottles of beer on the wall...
Cut to a litte later.
[There are clanging and scraping nosies]
Randy: [Singing, nervously]
1 bottle of beer on the wall,
1 bottle of beer,
If one of those bottles should happen to fall...
[There is a grumbling noise] I'm out of here! [Randy gets out of bed, and takes his pillow upstairs]
[Commercial break]
Cut to the living room, the next morning.
[Randy is asleep on the couch. Randy wakes up and looks at his watch. He gets up and carries his pillow towards the kitchen. Brad comes running downstairs]
Brad: Alright mom. [Randy looks for somewhere to hide his pillow. He stuffs it into the microwave. Brad comes into the kitchen. Randy leans against the microwave, trying to look casual]
Randy: Hi Brad.
Brad: Shhh, don't start with me. I know you're just gonna talk about how great your new room is. [Brad takes the chicken pitcher out of the fridge]
Randy: All I said was "Hi Brad."
Brad: See, there you go again.
Randy: Alright Brad, you want the basement, you can have it.
Brad: Yeah, right. [Brad takes a glass out of the cupboard]
Randy: No, no, I'm serious. I'll trade you rooms.
Brad: Alright, what did Dad screw up? Is the room tilted? Hey, did, er, the ceiling cave in?
Randy: No, no, the room's [Tim enters the kitchen] fine.
Tim: Morning guys. What's up?
Randy: Nothing. [Brad pours himself a glass of orange juice from the chicken pitcher]
Brad: Actually, something is weird. Randy wants to trade rooms with me.
Tim: What?
Randy: Brad's unhappy, Mom's unhappy, let's face it Dad: my having this room is splitting the whole family apart.
Tim: What's the real reason?
Randy: Why doesn't anybody believe me? I'm just trying to do something nice.
Brad: Maybe cuz that's never happened before? [Randy looks at Brad]
Tim: Randy, er, we all put a lot of work into this room for you.
Randy: I know.
Tim: You scared down there?
Randy: No, I'm not scared. Gosh, a guy tries to do something nice for his brother and everybody jumps all over him. [Brad goes upstairs. Jill enters the kitchen]
Jill: Hi sweetheart. How was your first night in your new room?
Randy: It was fine! Why does everybody keep on asking me about my room? [Randy goes down to his room]
Jill: Is it just me or does Randy seem a little tense?
Tim: I don't know what's going on. I came down here earlier and he's trying to trade the room to Brad.
Jill: What? Why would he do that?
Tim: Beats me. [Jill opens the microwave and sees Randy's pillow]
Jill: Ah-ha. [Jill takes the pillow out of the microwave] Well, you know what this means?
Tim: You're cooking pillows for breakfast again?
Jill: No! This is Randy's pillow. He obviously hid it up here, which means he slept up here, which means he didn't sleep down there, which can only mean one thing.
Tim: Absolutely. What?
Jill: He's too scared to sleep in the basement.
Tim: No he's not. I asked him. He said he wasn't scared at all.
Jill: Well he's not gonna admit it to you; he'd be too embarrassed. I think I should be the one to handle this.
Tim: Huh, and, er, what are you gonna do about it?
Jill: Well, maybe I should just sleep down there with him for the next few nights until he gets adjusted.
Tim: Great idea. Then he'll have a whole new set of problems.
Cut to the hall, that night.
[Tim comes downstairs and goes over to the couch. It's empty. Tim turns to go back upstairs when he hears a hooting noise coming from outside. Tim goes into the backyard]
Cut to the backyard.
[Tim hears the hooting noise again. Tim walks over to the fence, where he sees Wilson who has climbed halfway up the telegraph pole and is the source of the hooting noise]
Tim: Excuse me Wilson. What're you doing? Signalling the mothership to take you back to your own planet?
Wilson: No Tim. I'm on my annual owl prowl. [Wilson plays the hooting noise again from a small tape recorder] The sound you hear is a male screech owl. By playing this I'm hoping to attract a female.
Tim: So things aren't working out too well with your girlfriend, huh?
Wilson: No, no, Tim. On my last owl prowl [Wilson climbs down the telgraph pole] I studied the male of the species. This year I hope to study the female.
Tim: Golly, that sounds like a hoot.
Wilson: [Wilson laughs] So, what brings you out here at this late hour?
Tim: Jill found Randy's pillow in the microwave. Y'know what she thinks?
Wilson: Oh probably that he's sleeping on the couch instead of down in the basement.
Tim: You're amazing.
Wilson: Actually I had a little extra clue. [Wilson points to the window. Tim turns to look and see Randy setting up a bed on the couch]
Tim: Well gosh darn it, she's right. If he's so scared, why wouldn't he tell me?
Wilson: Well Tim, when you were thirteen, would you have admitted your fears?
Tim: When I was thirteen I wasn't scared of anything. Anybody who tells you different, they're a big fat liar.
Wilson: Y'know Tim, I'm reminded of the great Winston Churchill. He said you could take the most gallant sailor, the most intrepid airman, the most audacious soldier, put them at a table together, what do you get?
Tim: Throw in a cowboy and a policeman, you get the Village People playing poker.
Wilson: No Tim, what you get is the sum of their fears.
Tim: I, I don't understand.
Wilson: What I'm saying Tim, if these men had been able to admit their fears they would have realized there was no reason to be ashamed of it. [There is an owl hoot. Tim & Wilson jump, surprised]
Tim: Whoo. That scared me.
Wilson: Oh boy, that scared me too.
Tim: And I'm not ashamed to admit it. Although I do have to change my pants! [Tim goes inside]
Cut to the living room.
[Tim goes over to Randy on the couch. Tim shakes him]
Tim: Hey, son. [Randy sits up, startled]
Randy: Dad, hi. I, er, just came up here to get a glass of water and, hoo, tired me out.
Tim: I'm sorry I scared you.
Randy: I wasn't scared.
Tim: It's O.K. to be scared. You know Winston Churchill? Scared to death of the Village People.
Randy: I didn't know that.
Tim: Y'know, when I was, when I was a kid, I got scared a lot, hoo, boy. [Tim sits next to Randy on the couch]
Randy: Really? What were you scared of?
Tim: Mostly in my grandma and grandpa's house. They lived in this big, old house and the attic was very cool. It had arched roofs and a tin ceiling that made noise in the rain, big fans, it was a lot of fun to play with in the day time, but you couldn't force me up there at night, huh, boy.
Randy: How come?
Tim: Oh, it was a real creepy place. And Grandpa didn't help; he told me there was a big, bloodsucking bat up there. And he wasn't talking about Grandma.
Randy: So, you fell for Grandpa's bloodsucking bat story, huh? When he told me that I wasn't scared at all.
Tim: Yeah, but when he told it to me, he didn't have his teeth in. [Tim covers his teeth with his lips and opens and shuts his mouth]
Randy: So, I guess you eventually got over your fear of attics, huh?
Tim: Didn't have to. Tornado came and took the whole top of the house off. Bats and all.
Randy: So I guess you're not afraid of attics anymore.
Tim: No. Terrified of tornados, but. Y'know, I was in such a hurry to get you to, down in your room in the basement that I might have forgot to give you the checklist.
Randy: What checklist?
Tim: Well, there's a very important checklist about weird stuff that happens in a basement and without that information, it can be a pretty creepy place. What do you say we go over these items one by one.
Randy: That'd be great. How about we start with sounds.
Tim: Good one. Alright, c'mon. Get your pillow. [Tim & Randy stand up and head towards the basement] Now this sound, very common: psssst-kumpf. Gas furnace, number one.
Randy: Got it.
Tim: Number two: dink dink gunk gunk gunk gunk gunk gunk gunk gunk gunk. Air in the pipes. Don't worry about that one.
Randy: Great.
Tim: This one: ughl-glh-oh-oah-pfh-hor-hor-ughl.
Randy: What basement sound is that?
Tim: That wouldn't be the basement, that would be coming from my room. That's trying to digest your mom's meatloaf, urgh. And don't worry about this one either. [Tim opens the door to the basement, which creaks] That's just the big, bloodsucking bat coming down to get you in the basement. [Tim & Randy go downstairs]
Cut to the basement, later that night.
[Jill comes down the stairs. She goes into Randy's room and pulls the covers over Randy, who is asleep. There is a snoring sound. Jill takes a blanket off Randy's bed and puts it over Tim, who is asleep on the floor, snoring. Jill pushes Tim's mouth shut and he stops snoring. Jill leaves and goes back upstairs. There is a clunk. Tim wakes up and looks around. He checks to see if Randy is asleep. When he sees that he is, Tim rolls over and tries to get back to sleep]
Cut to the basement.
[Unused "Tool Time" scene. Al appears behind a vent opening]
Al: Alright, as you can see, we've already framed our vent opening for the heat and air. Now we're ready to attach the duct to the trunk line. [Tim is holding a long duct with an elbow joint at the end of it]
Tim: Trunk line? Al, would that be like a bunch of elephants doing the conga? [Tim holds the duct to his face like a trunk, and starts dancing] Bom-bom-bom-bom bom-bom. Bom-bom-bom-bom bom-bom. Bom-bom-bom-bom. [Tim raises the trunk and makes an elephant screeching noise] Look out Dumbo, watch out!
Al: I don't think so, Tim. [Al takes the duct from Tim]
Tim: [Tim continues doing the conga] Bom-bom-bom-bom bom-bom. Bom-bom-bom-bom bom-bom.

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